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Ick or Treat: The 5 Worst Halloween Candies

UGH.
UGH.
Photo by Wendell Oskay

Kids (and some adults) look forward to Halloween all year. And why not? You get to dress up like a lunatic and extort food from people at their very own front door, without any fear of repercussion. Every other night of the year, you get arrested for that shit.

So don't spoil Halloween for the few kids whose parents still let them cruise around unsupervised, accepting candy from strangers. Encourage this simple holiday and these innocent kids: don't give out any of the following candy.

5. Jujubes / Jujyfruits

As evidence that these candies have always been horrible, consider the fact that one of the original Jujube flavors was "rose." Name one kid who wants to eat rose-flavored candy. It was changed to cherry some time ago, but the fact still remains that the tough, overly chewy Jujubes are mostly flavorless excuses to rip the fillings out of your teeth. As an added bonus, they look like someone cut the nipples off of gigantic gummy bears. Gigantic, angry, nipple-less gummy bears who will come for your children in the night in search of revenge.

Actually, with the exception of the Sky Bar, this is a great visual reference guide to candies that suck. Especially you, Cherry Mash and Chick-O-Stick.
Actually, with the exception of the Sky Bar, this is a great visual reference guide to candies that suck. Especially you, Cherry Mash and Chick-O-Stick.
Photo by Jack Zalium

4. Dum Dums

Any candy that is given away for free at doctor's offices, bank lobbies and hair salons across the nation is not special, and therefore undeserving of being a Halloween treat. Does anyone really like Dum Dums anyway? Or do they just suck on the bland lollipops they fish out of a dusty bowl on a receptionist's desk just because they're there? It's difficult to imagine someone exclaiming, "Dum Dums! Awesome! Let me see if they have my favorite flavor, Chloraseptic root beer!

3. Peanut butter bars

We're not talking about good peanut butter bars, like Butterfinger. We're talking about that Texas terror, Atkinson's peanut butter bars. If a Kit-Kat had a sordid affair and slummed it up with dollar store peanut butter, this would be the bastard offspring that would result from the union. These candies are found in church candy dishes and old ladies' houses across the state. I once threw up a handful of them on my grandmother's rug, after discovering they taste like wax paper and the dust from the bottom of a jar of Planter's peanuts.

 

It has "Nip" in the name. Whether it's referring to a "nip" that you'd take of Scotch or a nip that you'd suckle at...gross.
It has "Nip" in the name. Whether it's referring to a "nip" that you'd take of Scotch or a nip that you'd suckle at...gross.
Photo by hey skinny

2. Anything wax

Look, do you want to eat wax? Seriously. This question should be the first thing you ask yourself when purchasing Halloween candy: Would you want to eat it? If the answer is "no," put it the hell back on the shelf. What would even possess you to pick up a bag of wax candies in the first place, other than a misplaced sense of nostalgia? More pertinently, would you want to gnaw open a tiny "bottle" of wax and suck out roughly 1/16th of a teaspoon of sugar water like a crazed, desperate hummingbird? I didn't think so.

1. Anything homemade

Don't waste your time. The kid's parents are just going to throw it away, thinking you've stashed anthrax-coated razor blades and Al Qaeda propaganda material inside those cute ghost-shaped brownies. Your efforts will be more well-received in a setting that's less susceptible to stupid urban legends, like your office breakroom or a potluck dinner.


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