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If New York City Bans Big Gulps, Here Are 5 Texan Foods Worth Banning, Too

Delicious piles of lard and processed flour.
Delicious piles of lard and processed flour.
Photo by Jeffery W.

In the latest blow to common sense, New York City has moved to ban Big Gulps -- the extra-large soft drinks of the type you usually see in Styrofoam cups triple the size of a human's normal stomach capacity, or anything more than 16 ounces in capacity (which is close to the size of a McDonald's small soda).

I think we can all agree that a Big Gulp-size soda is bad for you. But banning them entirely? What's to prevent people from purchasing two large sodas and drinking them one after another? And why is it any of New York City's goddamned business if some assholes want to thin their bodies' fluids with high-fructose corn syrup and carbonated water? What possible good could this really achieve in the long run over, say, banning soft-drink machines in school cafeterias and therefore nipping America's soda addiction in the bud (if you're into such measures, that is).

There is so much that is stupid and unnecessary about this proposed ban that it led me to wonder about all the foods and drinks we consume in Texas that would rightfully horrify pearl-clutching New Yorkers. What foods and beverages of ours would they ban?

I'm pretty sure they'd start with...

The chemicals make it creamy.
The chemicals make it creamy.
Photo by JimmyMac

5. Queso

"You mean to tell me they're melting blocks of cheese down with a few stray tomatoes and calling that 'good'? Do they have any idea how much cholesterol is in this 'queso'? How much saturated fat? Wait -- what?! They're not even using real cheese? VELVEETA? THAT'S MADE ALMOST ENTIRELY OF CHEMICALS. Jesus Christ, these people are clearly too cheese-addled to think for themselves. Ban."

4. Kolaches

"It's a pig in a blanket. With more cheese? And they can't claim that a jalapeño is a vegetable. It's fatty meat wrapped in fatty dough with fatty cheese -- and they're eating this crap for breakfast? Ban."

3. Biscuits and gravy

"So...let me get this straight. They're eating one type of flour and lard poured atop another version of flour and lard. White flour. Processed, bleached, white flour. With grease mixed in. You have got to be kidding me. Ban."

2. Breakfast tacos

"I...I don't even... Eggs? Inside a tortilla? With sausage so greasy that it's a shade of orange found nowhere else in nature? Grease that saturates through the actual -- ugh -- tortilla and drips out the sides while you eat it? THESE PEOPLE ARE EATING PURE FAT AND CHOLESTEROL AGAIN, FOR BREAKFAST, AGAIN. Ban."

1. Everclear-based margaritas

"I'm pretty sure this is what the kids have been soaking tampons in to get drunk faster. Ban."



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