Once, Twice, Three Times a Lunatic
By now, you've probably heard the news about the gem of a lady in Florida (there's a reason Florida has its own tag on FARK, you know...) who called 911 not once, not twice, but three times to report that her local McDonald's had run out of Chicken McNuggets.
Latreasa Goodman -- who, at 27 years old, is old enough to know that 911 really ought to be reserved for incidents like raging infernos, attempted murder and seventeen-car pileups -- called after she became enraged that the McDonald's not only ran out of the aforementioned nuggets, but that they wouldn't refund her money.
"The manager just took my money and won't give me my money back, trying to make me get something off the menu that I don't want," Goodman said in one of the 911 calls. "I ordered chicken nuggets. They don't have chicken nuggets, and so I told her, 'Just give me my money back,' and she tells me I have to pick something else off the menu. She is not going to give me my money back, and she don't have the right to take my money."
According to the report, after police told Goodman the incident was not an emergency, Goodman replied, "This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn't have McNuggets, I wouldn't have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don't want one. This is an emergency."
In honor of Ms. Goodman's attempt to get her lips around some delicious deep-fried pieces of pressed chicken, here are some other food-related incidents which might also require the use of excessive force:
Problem: The bring-me-more-food flag on your table at Pancho's is broken.
Solution: Call in a bomb threat to clear out the restaurant, ensuring that you will be the only patrons and will thus receive any and all food whether the flag works or not.
Problem: Wendy's no longer offers junior bacon cheeseburgers on their dollar menu. They're now charging an exorbitant $1.25. (This isn't actually true.)
Solution: Use the ketchup dispenser and paper cups to create tiny ketchup bombs. Mercilessly pelt other patrons and staff until they give you back that quarter and your square-pattied burger.
Problem: Your waitress at T.G.I. Friday's won´t serve you a fifth Tropical Berry Mojito Shaker because you're getting a little handsy.
Solution: Call the local branch of the FBI to report a violation of a law you made up in your drunken stupor while pretending to your waitress that you're a field agent and telling her she'll be sorry she didn´t serve you. After your release from jail, celebrate with a Tropical Berry Mojito Shaker at whatever Friday's is closest to the Mykawa substation.
Problem: You want a chorizo and egg taco from Chacho's but it´s 1:00 a.m. and they won´t have any more eggs until the morning delivery.
Solution: Strip naked, smear yourself with salsa and run -- Margot Kidder-style -- throughout the restaurant, knocking plates off tables and causing general chaos until someone decks you. Wake up several hours later and voila! It´s breakfast time! (p.s. This solution may or may not come with a concussion.)
Problem: You're craving a package of Little Debbie Oatmeal Pies but the bitch in front of you at the Stop 'n' Rob bought the last one.
Solution: Follow her out to the parking lot, hit her with your purse, take the pies and run.
Your fifteen minutes of fame (and mugshot to show the grandchildren) awaits!
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