On a Sunday evening at Little Woodrow's (2301 West Alabama, 713-529-0449), I'm hanging out with three doormen: Leroy, Will and Bill. After about 12 seconds of coaxing, they offer up a few pointers on how to be successful in the art of the lay. First, and most important: "Eye contact is the key to getting laid," Leroy says with the confidence of an aficionado. Second, be an asshole, "so you don't end up in the friend zone," says Will. Understood. Third, sit at the bar with a pack of cigarettes. It doesn't matter if you don't smoke, just buy a pack and wait for a girl to come and ask for one, then strike up a conversation. Fourth, "It really helps if you're black, a grad school student and a doorman at a bar." Fortunately for Leroy, that pretty much sums him up. After getting the trio's expert tips, I head to the bar for a sangria and chat up Shadi, Kelly and Sarah, three hot bartenders. They quickly shoot down most of the doormen's advice, then share a few suggestions on what not to do when hitting on a female bartender at Little Woodrow's. First, never, ever, under any circumstances, call her "baby" or "sweetie." It's an instant and non-negotiable deal-breaker. Next, tip at least $1 per drink. Anything less implies you're broke, cheap or unappreciative. Cardinal sin. And last, keep your compliments from the neck up. "You're beautiful!" will get you a lot more points than "You have a terrific ass!" (which will get you minus 50). Unless, of course, you happen to be a black grad school student doorman.
1/2 cup cheap champagne
4 ounces Minute Maid frozen concentrate
1 cup ice
1/2 cup cheap red wine
1 orange slice
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Combine champagne, orange juice and ice in a blender. Puree for one minute. Pour into a Collins glass, top off with red wine, and add the orange slice for garnish. Pray she still looks this good in the morning.