Candlelight. Yeahhh...now some music. Bawawawchikkawawaaa...let's rhyme 'love' with 'above,' and 'rain' with 'again.' Yeah, nice. Now some body chocolates and champagne. Ohhhh...now a Build a Bear and some face-to-face action followed by catching up on your DVR back catalog.

Valentine's Day: What a sham. Sorry, but it's a total pile of bantha poodoo. Heart-shaped boxes of chocolates and 50 percent off Groupon deals for sensual oils and/or dinners at marginal restaurants. Fooey. No thanks.

I can get down with one thing, though. Here are some ideas to make your Valentine's more intimate.

Sashimi/Sushi

Japanese food is good for a number of reasons. For one, it's exotic, and therefore innately exciting. Second, it's delicious, and you can weed out a potential future bad decision very quickly. If they say, "Oh, I don't like raw fish," or, "Oh, sushi? I love sushi," and then just eat California rolls with no avocado, then you can get rid of them right then and there.

Finally, sushi is good because, at the end of the meal you are never too full. You aren't Golden Corral full, or oh-god-I-just-ate-a-whole-Tombstone full. Sushi works because you can eat it and still knock boots, just without all the toots.

Anything with lobster

Zales would like you to think that nothing says "I love you" like a diamond. Actually, nothing says "I love you" quite like just saying "I love you." Second to that, though, is maybe a lobster dinner. Lobster is delicious, with its buttery meat, unique texture and aroma -- it's certainly my favorite edible arthropod.

Also, lobster is very expensive, and we all know that nothing really says "I love you" like spending a butt load of money. So, take your lover for a lobster dinner. They'll thank you later, hopefully.

Filet Mignon

Next to lobster, filet mignon is one of my favorites. Soft, almost creamy meat when cooked right, bloody and red in the middle, filet mignon just melts in one's mouth. It meets the expensive standard, too. To me, filet mignon is one of the best cuts of beef. Not as fatty as some, not as tough as others, filet mignon is the perfect steak with which to woo your lover.

Pair this with lobster, and it's a sure thing.

Anything whilst eaten in a Ferrari.

This one is kind of a no-brainer. If you are scooped up and squired around town in any car that's north of $200,000, you have to put out. It's a rule, somewhere. And that is certainly not just for the ladies. If Rosanne Barr herself pulled up and managed a half-way intelligible opener, well... no. Never mind.

Seriously, though, it could be ribs, salad, lentils, cream of wheat or petrified brontosaurus dung, the end result is going to get steamy.

Vodka

Or whatever, really. Beer or whiskey, MD 20/20 or a bit of super haute cuisine, like something with egg whites or rose water in it, alcohol is the great equalizer. It puts a beat into the rhythm-less and confidence into the meek.

So, have a good V-Day, everybody. If you are going to imbibe, then consume with care, and if you are going to give up anything, give up your keys. Or, call a cab if the date goes bad.

What do you think? Leave your ideas in the comments and let's see if we can't come up with the definitive list of Sexy Foods.