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Ten Bands We Wish Had Their Own Beer

Ohhhh, now I get it.
Ohhhh, now I get it.
Image from Chris Levitre

Sigh no more, my friends. You, too, can drink like a rock star. Or a banjo player.

Mumford and Sons announced Sunday that they're creating their own ale to be served when they stop over in Lewes, England, on their Gentlemen of the Road tour later this year. The bandmates put their heads together, not with haste, and came up with the mundane moniker Lewes Stopover Brew for their new beer, which is described as "light, with the gentle bitterness of Fuggle and Golding hops, best served chilled."

Of course, Mumford and Sons is hardly the first band to create its own brew. Pearl Jam recently teamed up with Dogfish Ale to market a special-edition ale, while AC/DC and Hanson also got in on the trend with beers called AC/DC and Mmmhops, respectively. I hate to say it, but props to Hanson for being witty for the first time ever.

All these musicians branding brews got me thinking: What other artists should slap their names on a bottle? Surely someone can top Mmmhops!

Here, in no particular order, are the ten musicians who really oughta market their own beers for our imbibing pleasure.

Ten Bands We Wish Had Their Own Beer
photo by Alec

Mötley Crüe - Mötley Brüe Little-known fact: The band's name includes totally unnecessary umlauts over the letters "o" and "u" because the members were drinking the German beer Löwenbräu while trying to decide on a name. I mean, the band was inspired by beer! Mötley Brüe must become a reality. It would be light and frothy like Löwenbräu and golden like Vince Neil's luscious locks. Only to be consumed in the boys' room. While smokin'.

Ten Bands We Wish Had Their Own Beer

Wings - Live and Let Rye Okay, so the song "Live and Let Die" has obvious James Bond connotations, and we all know Bond is a martini man. This beer is not for him. It's for Wings front man Paul McCartney, who wrote the song for the Bond movie of the same name in 1973. As Sir Paul is the intended audience, it would have to be an English rye with a rich amber hue and a good hop to it. This ever-changing world in which we're living would certainly benefit from a Beatle-blessed brew.

 

Ten Bands We Wish Had Their Own Beer

Notorious B.I.G. - Notorious I.P.A. Ain't nothin' wrong with releasing a Biggie Smalls-branded beer posthumously. Of course, we doubt Biggie would have been super into an IPA, but it's catchy, no? The one-time king of the East Coast rap scene starred in a beer commercial for St. Ides back in the day as part of a marketing campaign that utilized a slew of other rappers including Ice Cube, Snoop Dogg and B.I.G.'s nemesis, Tupac. St. Ides is actually less a beer than a particularly potent malt liquor, but I firmly believe Biggie's legacy deserves something better than mint malt liquor. Everyone deserves something better than malt liquor.

Ten Bands We Wish Had Their Own Beer

Isley Brothers - Stout! Just picture your average wedding dance floor. The bride and groom are out there cutting a rug with their closest friends, perhaps sipping on a drink or two. The song ends and the music fades, but before anyone makes it back to their seats, the smooth voice of Ronald Isley fills the reception hall and a parade of beer maids run in through every entrance waving bottles in the air. They make their way onto the dance floor and begin handing out beer to all of the partiers kicking their heels up and throwing their hands up and throwing their heads back and requesting, "STOUT!" And now you know exactly how my future wedding is going to go.

 

Iron & Wine - Iron & Barley Wine This is maybe an obvious one, but I'm pretty intrigued by the idea of a hipster craft beer with 12 percent ABV. And lest the name confuse you, barley wine is, in fact, a type of beer, but it's called wine because it's often strong and bitter like a good red wine. A couple pints of Iron & Barley Wine, and I imagine we'd be passed out on the floor, ahem, naked as we came. Sorry, I couldn't come up with a pun about "Love Song of the Buzzard."

Ten Bands We Wish Had Their Own Beer
Image from Schorle

Chumbawamba - A Lager Drink Ah, Chumbawamba. My favorite one-hit wonder of the '90s. Apparently they were still making music until just a year ago, but let's face it, Chumba, everyone only knows you for your lyrical masterpiece "Tubthumping." And of course we all remember every word to that catchy little number (it's rather repetitive), including the verse, "He drinks a whiskey drink, he drinks a vodka drink, he drinks a lager drink, he drinks a cider drink." Hey, if the lager drink is successful, Chumbawamba can market a cider beverage, and they can call it...Never mind. I think you see where I'm going here.

 

Ten Bands We Wish Had Their Own Beer

Eurythmics - Wheat Dreams (Are Made of This) I think I would probably drink anything Annie Lennox told me to drink, but her own brand of wheat beer is a definite yes. It would be reddish blond, obviously, and maybe just a little sour. And since the other half of the Eurythmics, Dave Stewart, recently released Ringmaster General Shiraz, named after his most recent solo album, I'm going to suggest they be consumed together, over a pot of chocolate fondue (an actual pairing suggestion for Ringmaster General Shiraz). It'll be a little funky, but definitely, um, electrifying.

Ten Bands We Wish Had Their Own Beer
Image from Stuart Sevatos

Modest Mouse - The Ocean Breathes Malty Modest Mouse's song "Gravity Rides Everything" was once used in a commercial for Miller Genuine Draft, which band member Isaac Brock was pretty happy about, as he was hoping to get a lifetime supply of beer out of the deal. Respectfully, Mr. Brock, I think you can do better than MGD. I vote you create your own dark, malty brew to match your often dark, brooding music. If that goes well, move on to a high gravity beer and call it Gravity Rides Everything, of course. Actually, a lot of Modest Mouse songs would make good beer names. Maybe they missed the boat with this whole music thing.

 

Ten Bands We Wish Had Their Own Beer
Image from Steve Jurvetson

Bobby McFerrin - Don't Worry Be Hoppy McFerrin actually wrote a song called "Give Me Some Beer," which never achieved commercial success like his hit "Don't Worry Be Happy." Well, Bobby, I'll give you the name of your beer, but the rest is up to you and an enterprising brewery. Because "Don't Worry Be Happy" is completely a cappella, I feel like the beer should be simple and wholesome as well. Smooth, deep amber, hints of caramel, and, of course, enough hops to keep McFerrin coming back for more.

Ten Bands We Wish Had Their Own Beer
Image from Mika

Eminem - The Real Slim Shandy WHY IS THIS BEER NOT A REALITY?!?!! Eminem, buddy, your career is just not what it used to be. Why not switch gears and become a brewmaster? Screw cheap, watery beer or top-of-the-line champagne. I move that all rappers should now sip on a nice shandy while composing lyrics about, you know, bitches and hos and stuff. What the world really needs are more raps about warm summer breezes and barbecues.


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