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The 5 Fast Food Sides We Miss Most

Even Jon Stewart's upset about our #1 pick.
Even Jon Stewart's upset about our #1 pick.

It's once again time to look back on some of the discontinued food items that were sadistically ripped from our lives and our stomachs by the soulless monster that is corporate America. It's a cruel, cruel world out there...

In case you missed our rants, we think a life without the freedom to purchase items like Gatorgum, KFC's Chicken Littles and the Original Four Loko just isn't a life worth living.

This time, we're reminiscing about a staple on every fast-food joint menu: the side.

So, grab a box of tissues, pour yourself a glass of Scotch and get ready to wallow in misery as we take a look at the Top 5 Sides We Want Back.

We loved you just the way you were...
We loved you just the way you were...
Photo by Dan Bruno

5. The Original Domino's Cheesy Bread

Once upon a time, Domino's Cheesy Bread was the perfect start to a mediocre meal: a chewy, moist blob of dough topped with a mixture of greasy, tangy cheddar and gooey yet crisp mozzarella served alongside thick, sugary marinara. It lived a charitable life, bringing joy and happiness to millions of drunk people across the world.

But then one day, Gluttony knocked on Domino's door and was all like, "Hey, I don't think there's enough cheese on there, bro. Let's stuff the shit that we just topped with a shit ton of cheese with more cheese, and make it so that you can't even tell it's fucking bread anymore. Right? It'll be awesome. It'll be like, you just got STUFFED! While we're at it, let's start serving pasta stuffed inside bread, too, brah. Let's just stuff fucking everything."

Look at us, Domino's. Does it look like we need more cheese to you? DOES IT!?

The 5 Fast Food Sides We Miss Most

4. McDonald's Salad Shakers

It's a salad...in a cup! Just drizzle on your dressing, shake and eat. All of the lettuce leaves are coated, the salad is tossed well and pretty much everything is right with the world.

And how easy was that, really? So easy...

...almost too easy, though, right, Ronald?

It was just sooo incredibly friggin' simple and convenient that you had to pry it away from our greedy little fingers and force us to use forks again. You guys just poured the salad straight from the cup into your mouths, too, right? No?

3. Wendy's Super Bar

In case you wanted a side salad, beef tacos and spaghetti alfredo with your Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger (and who'd wouldn't?), Wendy's offered its guests the super-classy Superbar for only $2.99.

The ultra-swank buffet bar came with three sections:

The Garden Spot: Where one could get their fill of (fresh?) lettuce, carrots, croutons and cherry tomatoes to complete the world's most standard side salad.

The Mexican Fiesta: Where one could then top said side salad with ground beef, sour cream and cheese or make a soft taco with all of the above, plus refried beans.

And finally, the ingeniously named...

Pasta Pasta station: Where one would then top their beef taco and refried bean salad with marinara, dunk a breadstick in cream sauce and toss it all together with some spaghetti (just kidding...or am I?).

Sound good? Hell, no -- it just sounds wrong! But there was just something about the Super Bar that was so, so right.  

The 5 Fast Food Sides We Miss Most

2. Burger King's Cheesy Tots

This one's a killer. It's heart-wrenching, really. The Cheesy Tot was a cheery young lad, a tater tot mixed with gooey cheese and deep-fried until crisp and golden-brown. It lived a peaceful life, harmoniously coexisting with both the regular and the breakfast menu.

And then (duhn, duhn, duhn), out of nowhere, the tot was taken.

Hysteria ensued, and the people immediately took to the message boards, with posts ranging from utter devastation, anger and confusion to a full-on U.S. government conspiracy theory.

We'll let the boards speak for themselves:

"This is a travesty...PLEASE bring them back!!" -- Totlover112
"Man when i found out that bk had discontinued the cheesy tots i was so blah, it was like a slap on the face..." -- Damian.
"It's the end of the world as we know it!" -- cheesy sadness
"The day I went thru the drive thru and was told they were no longer being offered, I literally cried." -- shi5782
"They make me feel better when im blue. You can put them in your sandwiches and its delicious. Im sooo sad. -- Bryan_

"I don't understand why. " -- RIPcheesytots

"I refuse too eat at burger king untill they bring back the tots of delicious cheesiness ...IM ON STRIKE U HEAR ME KING????" -- blueeyez

...and...

"this is only the first step on the path. Soon, the government will control everything we are allowed to eat, drink, smoke, etc. We are all too 'dumb' to think for ourselves, hence the government feels it must do it for us! It WILL get worse." -- MsChef

Now that paranoia has kicked in, it's time to move on to our No. 1 Please God Bring This To Us Again Side Item...

The 5 Fast Food Sides We Miss Most
Photo by brandon shigeta

1. McDonald's Fried Apple Pies

Revamped Happy Meals, saying goodbye to the Super Size, trans fat-free fries -- great! We appreciate the effort for "healthier" options, McDonald's, we really do.

But our pies? Our beloved Deep Fried Pies? Why, McDonald's? WHY!!!!

The baked pie is just a sadder version of its former self, its crisp, flaky, greasy crust now transformed into to a dry, crumbly dough, making a mockery of the chain's signature thick and gooey apple cinnamon filling.

Even the Cherry Pie, which had no discernible cherries inside, was delicious once deep fried.

Luckily, fried-pie fanatics like Serious Eats have come up with at-home solutions (i.e., sticking the baked apple pie into a vat of oil), while others set out to discover locations that still sell the full-fat version (mainly Walmart, which makes sense).

What extra menu items do you miss the most? Any lovers of the late Sonic Fried Pickle-O's? What about Wendy's Bacon & Cheese Stuffed Baked Potatoes? Both were runners-up on our list. Do tell!



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