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The 5 Fast Food Sides We Miss Most

Even Jon Stewart's upset about our #1 pick.
Even Jon Stewart's upset about our #1 pick.

It's once again time to look back on some of the discontinued food items that were sadistically ripped from our lives and our stomachs by the soulless monster that is corporate America. It's a cruel, cruel world out there...

In case you missed our rants, we think a life without the freedom to purchase items like Gatorgum, KFC's Chicken Littles and the Original Four Loko just isn't a life worth living.

This time, we're reminiscing about a staple on every fast-food joint menu: the side.

So, grab a box of tissues, pour yourself a glass of Scotch and get ready to wallow in misery as we take a look at the Top 5 Sides We Want Back.

We loved you just the way you were...
We loved you just the way you were...
Photo by Dan Bruno

5. The Original Domino's Cheesy Bread

Once upon a time, Domino's Cheesy Bread was the perfect start to a mediocre meal: a chewy, moist blob of dough topped with a mixture of greasy, tangy cheddar and gooey yet crisp mozzarella served alongside thick, sugary marinara. It lived a charitable life, bringing joy and happiness to millions of drunk people across the world.

But then one day, Gluttony knocked on Domino's door and was all like, "Hey, I don't think there's enough cheese on there, bro. Let's stuff the shit that we just topped with a shit ton of cheese with more cheese, and make it so that you can't even tell it's fucking bread anymore. Right? It'll be awesome. It'll be like, you just got STUFFED! While we're at it, let's start serving pasta stuffed inside bread, too, brah. Let's just stuff fucking everything."

Look at us, Domino's. Does it look like we need more cheese to you? DOES IT!?

The 5 Fast Food Sides We Miss Most

4. McDonald's Salad Shakers

It's a salad...in a cup! Just drizzle on your dressing, shake and eat. All of the lettuce leaves are coated, the salad is tossed well and pretty much everything is right with the world.

And how easy was that, really? So easy...

...almost too easy, though, right, Ronald?

It was just sooo incredibly friggin' simple and convenient that you had to pry it away from our greedy little fingers and force us to use forks again. You guys just poured the salad straight from the cup into your mouths, too, right? No?

3. Wendy's Super Bar

In case you wanted a side salad, beef tacos and spaghetti alfredo with your Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger (and who'd wouldn't?), Wendy's offered its guests the super-classy Superbar for only $2.99.

The ultra-swank buffet bar came with three sections:

The Garden Spot: Where one could get their fill of (fresh?) lettuce, carrots, croutons and cherry tomatoes to complete the world's most standard side salad.

The Mexican Fiesta: Where one could then top said side salad with ground beef, sour cream and cheese or make a soft taco with all of the above, plus refried beans.

And finally, the ingeniously named...

Pasta Pasta station: Where one would then top their beef taco and refried bean salad with marinara, dunk a breadstick in cream sauce and toss it all together with some spaghetti (just kidding...or am I?).

Sound good? Hell, no -- it just sounds wrong! But there was just something about the Super Bar that was so, so right.



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