For people who have an unhealthy relationship with food, dessert is an extremely important part of the meal. It's the sweet reward for struggling through all the harsh, bitter flavors of entrees like chicken fried steak, pizza, prime rib, hamburgers, stuffed pork chops, and other disgusting stuff. Our brains no longer even send us the signal to stop eating until we've had that final sugary morsel to wrap it all up.
Over the years, giant corporations have been kind enough to whip up some truly amazing dessert foods, and then, just when we got hooked, discontinued them. No one knows why. Sure, you'll hear some "low sales" whisperings, but we suspect it's simply because they're spiteful bastards. Here are some of the best extinct desserts out there. If you've had them, prepare to get all wistful, nostalgic, and hungry. If you never had them... guess you'll just have to trust us.
5. Hostess Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Pudding Pies
Okay, we know a lot of people are going to attribute this to us being overly nostalgic. After all, just about everything you loved as a kid seems better, simply because you were a child filled with innocent wonder and the world hadn't yet had a chance to beat down your spirit and murder your soul. And yes, they were a shade of neon green that could not possibly have been brought about by any sort of dye that was meant to be consumed. BUT: they had what no other Hostess pie had at the time, and that is pudding. Pudding is awesome, and when stuffed inside an iced pastry shell...just phenomenal. Come on, you pricks, you're turning your noses up, but if they made one at Crave you'd call in the fucking Pope and have it crowned King of Desserts. We're not saying Hostess needs to bring the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles back; by now, they've all retired from freelance ninja-ing, settled down, and started raising hideously deformed turtle-human hybrid babies that make God hate himself. We're just saying they need to bring back some kind of pudding pie. It's time. We're ready for it.
4. Jell-O Pudding Pops
While we're on the subject, why on earth did Jell-O stop making the pudding pops? Those damn things were delicious, and perfect for summertime. Did the advocation of the mighty Bill Cosby not get through to you people? It's one thing to just eat some pudding with a spoon. But letting it slowly melt in your mouth while you watch cartoons? Shit, we knew this was going to happen; we're starting to get genuinely sad. And we're only on the second entry.
Wait, never mind, we're going to order one of these:
No customer reviews? Slashed price? No one's buying this thing? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!
(Note: we've been made aware that Good Humor bought the Jell-O Pudding Pops name and now sells them under its Popsicle brand, but according to their website, they're not sold at any stores within a hundred miles of Houston. Son of a BITCH!)
3. Butterfinger Ice Cream Nuggets
You may not remember this one. They came and went pretty fast, so fast that it was nearly impossible to find any evidence that they ever existed at all, and frankly we were starting to wonder if maybe we hadn't imagined the whole thing when we found the above commercial. They were basically little Butterfinger ice cream Bon-Bons, superior to the Butterfinger Ice Cream bar (which you can still buy) because you could pop an entire one in your mouth and, once you'd dissolved the crispy outer shell, experience a very unique, fluffy ice cream consistency that for some reason only the nuggets managed to get right. People complain a lot about the discontinuation of the Butterfinger BB's -- which, we'll admit, were pretty good -- but this is definitely the Butterfinger-related product we miss the most.
2. PB Max
You remember these stupid-ass commercials, assuring you that the "PB" stood for "peanut butter" and not "pink baboon" or "penguin blackbelt" or "piss-drunk babysitter" don't you? They may have turned a few people off of the product itself, which would be a shame, because out of all of the peanut-butter-and-chocolate candy bars we've had, the PB Max was the only one that ever struck us as having real, honest-to-God peanut butter in it. Nutrageous comes close, Peanut Butter M&M's less so, the Take 5 is too much of a mess to figure out exactly what's going on, and we're pretty sure Nestle only describes Butterfinger as having a "peanut butter-y crunch" because they think Americans don't know what toffee is. The peanut butter in the PB Max was smooth and creamy, accompanied by peanuts and chocolate, and it all sat on a crunchy cookie base. It was excellent and sold well, and supposedly Mars Inc. discontinued it because the Mars family hates peanut butter. So, you know, if you like it you can of course go fuck yourself.
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1. Sara Lee French Cheesecake
We can't talk about this one for too long or we'll start getting emotional. This was our favorite dessert of all time. More mellow than its aggressively rich New York-style counterpart, the French cheesecake was whipped to be soft and fluffy, and had a flavor that was smooth and sweet, like good porn. Sometimes we would reward ourselves by buying one, letting it thaw to just the right consistency, and then eating as much of it as we could until we got sick. No official notice seems to have been released, but all the research we've done points to it having been discontinued. Can any of you confirm this? Have... have you seen any around, maybe? Please? We're sick. Daddy needs his medicine.
Intentionally not featured: the Nestle Tandem (half ice cream sandwich, half crunch bar, all mediocre) and Hershey's Swoops (it can be a candy bar or it can be Pringles, but not both, you assholes).