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The Bacon Backlash: 10 Things Bacon Does Not Make Better

When -- on New Year's Eve -- I jokingly suggested that 2012 would be the year of the Bacon Backlash, our Twitter followers were not amused.

"Why are cupcakes 'it'?" asked @Ruhama613. "Carbs are the debbil. Mo' Bacon!"

Said @T_Tow: "I will defend the bacon!"

And @CynicalHouston simply responded: "My bacon-infused whiskey inspired by your post disagrees."

But consider it for a moment, folks. Bacon is everywhere, from bacon-scented air fresheners to bacon-flavored dental floss. Aren't you sick of bacon yet?

I'm not talking about being "sick of bacon" in its typical context, either, like on a breakfast plate with eggs and toast, or on a cheeseburger, or on a BLT, or diced and thrown into a baked potato or a chopped salad. Those are all normal, all-American, delicious, bacon-related festivities. Hell, I'm even in favor of using that bacon-infused whiskey to make a killer Manhattan.

I'm talking about being sick of bacon as a worn out meme -- as a tired mascot of the overdeveloped culinary zeitgeist -- that shows up everywhere and in everything for no good goddamn reason at all.

I say enough is enough. Let 2012 be the year in which we take back our bacon! And we can start by taking it out of all the disgusting things below.

So...much...wasted...bacon.
So...much...wasted...bacon.

10. Sculpture

Bacon does not make for a good sculpting medium. Yes, it's amusing to say "BAK 47." It's less amusing to look at what is essentially the fat-riddled bellies of a dozen dead pigs in machine gun form; it's just a sad waste of all that delicious meat.

All kinds of nasty.
All kinds of nasty.

9. Naked women

Although I don't want to, I can understand the idea behind serving sushi off naked women: The sushi is separated from the women's flesh with decorative leaves, and the sushi itself is meant to be eaten. I can't say the same for making bacon underwear or whatever is happening in the photo above. You can't eat the raw bacon, and all I can think of when I look at these hapless women is, "Girl, you gonna get salmonella in your lady parts."

That biscuit is ashamed to be there.
That biscuit is ashamed to be there.

8. Cones

I do not agree with the health expert in this article who says that "The appropriate level of moderation of bacon is none... You should have it zero times in your life." A life lived without bacon is a sad one indeed. I do, however, agree when he says that we should "be very moderate and do not construct cones out of it." Moderation and bacon aren't often words that are found together, but they should be. We already make delicious cones out of waffles; isn't that enough for you?

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a...*pukes before song can finish*
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a...*pukes before song can finish*

7. Lollipops

The Shameless Chef got me a bacon-flavored lollipop for Christmas. While I am very appreciative of his thoughtfulness, I will probably never eat the lollipop. I will, however, keep it as a reminder that unless we are vigilant, bacon will invade our lives at every turn like the meat version of kudzu.

Who doesn't want to bathe with a bar of something that looks and smells like rendered hog fat?
Who doesn't want to bathe with a bar of something that looks and smells like rendered hog fat?

6. Soap

The first time you step into a hot shower with a bar of bacon soap after a long night of overindulging, you'll be regretting that purchase with every body-doubling wretch. Stick to the Irish Spring, hoss.  

Seriously, you are a jerk for using this.
Seriously, you are a jerk for using this.

5. Frosting

Absolutely the only acceptable context in which I can imagine bright red, bacon-flavored frosting is in a cruel April Fool's joke. Asshole.

WHY, MAN?
WHY, MAN?

4. Tattoos

The only person who could ever pull off a bacon tattoo is Ron Swanson. And Ron Swanson doesn't get tattoos.

As if your sodium levels weren't already completely out of whack.
As if your sodium levels weren't already completely out of whack.

3. Salt

In theory, this would be a good thing: No bacon in the house? Just salt your scrambled eggs with this stuff and pretend you've got both on the same plate! But in reality, it just tastes like smoked sea salt if the salt wasn't really smoked but instead just tossed with some really shitty liquid smoke and trace amounts of pork fat.

I'm sorry, but I just can't. I just can't.
I'm sorry, but I just can't. I just can't.

2. Ice cream

I keep trying and failing to like bacon ice cream, as much as I enjoy salty and sweet things together -- especially in desserts. Maybe it's the fact that ice cream already has enough butterfat as it is, and the hog fat added in is simply overkill. Or maybe it's the fact that bacon and ice cream are too delicious on their own, and the food gods have decreed that they must remain apart forever lest they team up and take over the world. You know that those two would be assholes if the ruled the world, too.

"Lite."
"Lite."

1. Mayonnaise

Have you ever actually had Baconnaise? I have. It is unholy. How can two things I love so much -- mayo and bacon -- combine to produce what is essentially the anti-Christ of foods? I've tasted a great many disgusting bacon-and-____ combinations, and Baconnaise is by far the worst. Yes, even worse than the ice cream.



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