The Shameless Chef: Even Lazier Salisbury Steak

More dishes need bread crumbs in them. Someone with some kind of cooking column should make a note of that.
More dishes need bread crumbs in them. Someone with some kind of cooking column should make a note of that.

Everybody knows Salisbury steak isn't too difficult to make, yet in the Shameless Chef family, we feel compelled to make things as simple as possible. This is because we're efficient to a fault. Of course, some people mistakenly label this sort of extreme efficiency as "laziness," but what the hell do they know? Have you ever been with someone who was obsessively hunting down the "right" spice for some kind of ridiculously complicated recipe that, when you finally tried it, didn't really taste all that special? Didn't you want to slap them? Don't ever get sucked into that lifestyle. Here's a fun tip: When they finally serve you their "masterpiece," immediately reach for the saltshaker and apply it liberally, without even trying the food. Watching someone trying to hold back tears has rarely been so hilarious.

You will need:

- 1 to 1 1/2 lbs. of ground beef or ground turkey - 1/2 tsp salt - 1 tsp pepper - 1 tbsp garlic powder - 1 cup bread crumbs - 2 eggs (or 1/2 cup egg substitute) - 2-3 cups brown gravy (from a pack or pre-made, it makes little difference)

Once you've measured out all the ingredients, you get to do one of my favorite things: Throw all that shit into your big-ass mixing bowl and mash it all together. Go on, use your hands, don't be a pussy.

Even if your meat is thawed, it's gonna be colder than a bastard, just so you know. (That's the beginnings of the gravy on the left.)
Even if your meat is thawed, it's gonna be colder than a bastard, just so you know. (That's the beginnings of the gravy on the left.)

Separate the meat-mixture into five or six patties and space them apart in whatever dish you'll be baking them in. Cover them with the gravy; the more gravy, the better, since it will infuse the meat with its gravilicious flavor. Also, we're pretty sure "The More Gravy, the Better" was the lost 11th Commandment. Ever tried manna without something to dip it in? Drier than a crouton. Theological contemplations aside, once your meat is slathered in gravy, stick it into your hot, eager oven at 375 degrees for between 30 and 45 minutes, whatever gets those patties cooked all the way through.

Oh yes... oh God yes.
Oh yes... oh God yes.

Once it's all cooked, you can make it seem like something that took way more effort than it did by simply throwing it on top of some rice or pasta. I used Acini di Pepe because I am a fancy gentleman and because I'm a sucker for any food with "Pepe" in its name. This is a big hit with kids because it doesn't have any vegetables in it and you can serve it on macaroni.

Everything's better on a bed of Pepe.
Everything's better on a bed of Pepe.

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