This Week in Deliciousness
Apologies if today's column seems a bit... cheesy. GET THEE TO A PUNNERY!
Welcome back to the weekly roundup here at Eating Our Words, where we're using our leftover pizza grease to lube up our Slip 'N' Slide. We started this busy week off with some tips on topping your ice cream with various summer fruits, and it sounds nice, but we think we'll probably continue using crumbled-up fortune cookies for a while yet.
We also had some picnic tips for proper handling of your tuna salad, although when you go so far as to stir fish in with a bunch of mayonnaise and take it out in the sun... we dunno, we kind of think you're actually trying to get food poisoning. Do you need a couple days off from work? Is that what it is?
We patronized some roving tamale slingers this week, and sampled a fancy-ass salad at Central Market. Think maybe they got the veggies from any of these places? Oh man... we just realized that we must someday own a loft with a rooftop garden surrounded by an inner-tubing canal. At last, we have a purpose.
Oh, by the way, just so you know, you bastards are killing Feast, and we're not at all happy about it. Man up and eat some expertly-cooked organs, would you? Shit, we'd eat aardvark testicles if the folks at Feast cooked 'em up. Speaking of unusual foods, we've got some suggestions for what to eat on your Memorial Day road trip, the chief tip being that whenever you see a hand-painted "Soul Food" sign, you pull the hell over and buy whatever they're selling or else hate yourself forever. Enough education: on with the burger porn!
Foodies and chefs are well-known for being thick-skinned troopers who can take absolutely anything in stride; nonetheless, conflicts have occasionally emerged, some of them hilariously documented on Twitter. It's not all about the conflict though, as these fine local vendors will show you. Hang on, we need to send out a quick Tweet about the inadequate amount of poppy seeds on this gas station muffin. Hooray, six re-Tweets already! Some of them from real people!
We dined in the imaginary Italy-esque kingdom of Lombardy for an evening, then provided some helpful suggestions as to how you idiots can best put together a cheese plate. We don't mean to be so condescending. Wait, sorry, yes we do. Now hand me the icepick for this Manchego, dummy.
Pappas is the first of many businesses who will be suing BP all the way back to England for its catastrophically bungled oil spill, and we say, let's just skip the lawsuits and proceed directly to the pitchforks and torches. Seriously, has any business ever handled an environmental disaster worse than BP has handled this? The company reacted the same way your mom reacts whenever a snake manages to get in the house: lots of screaming, running around, flapping of arms, and not a whole lot getting done to resolve the situation. (If your mom is one of those tough-as-nails Texas chicks who ain't gonna take no shit off no snake, we retract the comparison.)
Here's how you can successfully arrive at the burned-out shell of your workplace even after Skynet nukes us all and none of our cars work anymore, and here are some beer gimmicks so stupid you can actually kind of see Skynet's point.
Finally, we've got a sandwich battle on our hands. Looks like it's Judgment Day... for sandwiches. Until next week, hasta la vista, baby.
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