Welcome back to the weekly roundup here at Eating Our Words, where bright, peppy morning-show humor goes to die. We started the week off right with a look at a classy new Italian joint with the unfortunate name of Nardino. Unfortunate, that is, if you're a perpetual 13-year-old like myself for whom Monster Squad is always in the forefront of his mind.

"Wolfman's got Nardinos!" No? Let's move on.

The Zombie bahn mi tried to shamble straight over several plucky contestants in this week's Cafe TH sandwich-eating contest, but finally the immense, super-spicy sandwich was conquered. Zombie sauce may be killer, but there's no way it's a match for my Crazy Uncle Raoul's homemade hot sauce, which he dubbed Heatshark Sunstroke Devilsperm after his chief pet name for his ex-wife. The sauce itself was mostly battery acid.

Speaking of spicy, how about these lovely and talented firecrackers at the Speed Rack Lady Bartender competition? Boy, I hope "Speed Rack" doesn't refer to what I think it might. Disrespectful. Almost as disrespectful as the intelligence-insulting tropes that keep popping up on TV. If I could, I would like to add one more thing: completely full sodas that magically gurgle and slurp like they're empty as soon as the character takes a pull on the straw. Hey, Foley artists: we KNOW full sodas don't sound like that. We've been drinking them, as a nation, for more than 100 years now. Stop it already. I can confirm with my eyes that soda is being consumed, I don't need an audio clue.

We found the Megachip cookie, and it's still got some bugs to work out. Not literal bugs. That would be a matter for the FDA.

Good news for people who are tired of having the bejeezus price-gouged out of them: Minute Maid Park will apparently be letting in outside food soon. Which is great news, unless you own Minute Maid Park. Because the Astros aren't getting any better, and even if they do and attendance grows, it won't be enough to cover the revenue lost from the food stands. I mean, if I could bring in a Hubcap Grill burger, I'm damn sure not gonna wait 20 minutes in line to purchase a $15 failburger from Colonel Shep Schittington's Hop-A-Doodle Hoosegow or whatever godawful restaurant names they're using this season.

Speaking of crimes against meat (man, the segues are strong this week!), we listed ten of our favorite meat-related crimes, and boy are they ever stupid. Sadly the KFC Double Down is not included on this list because for some reason it's still not illegal. THANKS A LOT, OBAMA.

One of us got trapped in San Antonio during the week and so decided to go ahead and write an item about it. There was also an educational look at the concept of "do one thing and do it right" as it pertains to restaurants. Nice idea, but you know who proves this concept is limited? His name rhymes with "Shmatman." (It's Batman. He does everything right.)

If you've never experienced a Chinese New Year celebration, we suggest you start. Here are a few cool events commemorating the upcoming changeover in the Lunar calendar. Check 'em out, it's gigantic dragons, delicious food, and quasi-legal fireworks. Just like Bilbo's 111th birthday party in Fellowship of the Ring. Too inside? Oh well, I liked it.

There's a chocolate truck coming your way, soon to be converted into a liquid chocolate truck come summertime. Seriously, chocolate in a truck during a Houston summer? I couldn't even keep the leather on my steering wheel from melting last summer. My car still smells like beef jerky.

Finally, take a look at the most ridiculously sensual Groupon ad we've ever seen. And keep those hands where we can see 'em.

Have a great weekend!