MORE

Three Brothers Bakery Charms With Anti-Valentine's Day Treats

Petit fours: An undeniably sweet way to say, "Screw You!"
Petit fours: An undeniably sweet way to say, "Screw You!"
Photo by Joanna O'Leary

Valentine's Day can really blow. The years I have been single and lonely on February 14 still outnumber the (recent) years when I have not been, so when people tell me they loathe the holiday because it only reinforces feelings of personal inadequacy brought on by their solo status, I can empathize.

One February was particularly harsh. I had been seeing this young lad horrendous douchebag musician for a few months and things, I thought, were progressing well. We had a lot of fun spending time together, feelings were growing deeper and there was even some talk of future plans. Then, a week before Valentine's Day, he grew distant. After I hadn't heard from him for more than 48 hours, he called on the evening of the holiday itself and (you know what's coming) dumped my sorry ass. Thanks, Dick.*

Anyway, fortunately, a good friend soon after the call whisked me off to dinner to cheer me up. If, however, you find yourself in a similar situation on or around Valentine's Day, or if you simply want to take an antithetical approach to the holiday and use it as an opportunity to tell your nearest but not dearest to go f&ck him/herself, then you gotta go to Three Brothers Bakery.

*Name has been changed. This article continues on the next page.

 

For that nasty, smelly gorilla in your life.
For that nasty, smelly gorilla in your life.
Photo by Joanna O'Leary

Of course, they're offering a plethora of indulgent confections colored red, white and pink with sweet messages for you to give to your significant other, best friend, co-worker, blah blah blah. But more interesting, and perhaps more useful, is their absolutely fabulous line of Anti-Valentine's Day desserts.

I'm partial to the vanilla cream petit fours inscribed with messages such as "I H8 U," "U Suck," "Go Away" and my absolute favorite, "meh". (Really, what other three-letter word in the English language so beautifully conveys such indifferent uninterest?)

Eat them and weep.
Eat them and weep.
Photo by Joanna O'Leary

Even more impressive in terms of design, and equally tasty, are the frosted sugar cookies. Their shape seems to represent not so much the symbolic organ of amorous love but a desire to stab someone through the heart (perhaps thereby returning the favor?).

A cookie with Grumpy Cat telling you to lose weight? Deliciously mean.
A cookie with Grumpy Cat telling you to lose weight? Deliciously mean.
Photo by Joanna O'Leary

The pièce de résistance in this line is the cookie depicting Grumpy Cat, who admonishes the recipient: "You'd be PURR-fect...if you lost 15 pounds." What an extraordinary feat of culinary cruelty.

So, if you've got an ax to grind this Valentine's, head to Three Brothers Bakery. Pick up a few treats for your frenemies or pre-order a whole box for your favorite nemesis.

Use Current Location

Related Location


Sponsor Content

Newsletters

All-access pass to top stories, events and offers around town.

Sign Up >

No Thanks!

Remind Me Later >