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Top 10 Worst Easter Candies

Yes, Peeps are on the list, but they aren't number one...
Yes, Peeps are on the list, but they aren't number one...
Photo by Terren

It's that glorious time of year once again. Spring has sprung, we're turning on our air conditioners, and an entire aisle of the grocery store is devoted to sugar-coated, pastel-colored Easter things. If you're a parent, you'll likely be heading to said aisle sometime soon to stock up on candy to place in your children's baskets. If you're me, you'll be heading there the day after Easter to get everything at half price.

Either way, you need some guidance.

Too often as a child (and even now) I found my stock of Easter goodies marred by a few rotten eggs, so to speak. A few items that never should have made it past beta testing in the candy factory. A few too many marshmallow-esque creations.

So regardless of whom you're buying Easter candy for this year, please consider the multitude of options out there. And don't buy any of this crap.

Who wants an unfertilized embryo for Easter?
Who wants an unfertilized embryo for Easter?
Photo courtesy candywarehouse.com

10. Cadbury Creme Egg I'm going out on a limb here and proclaiming that Cadbury Creme Eggs are some of the worst candies out there, though I know many would argue the opposite. Allow me to explain. First, each egg contains 150 calories. That's like a serving of ice cream or several big handfuls of popcorn. Second, they look gross. Bite through the chocolate shell and you're treated to a "creme" filling intended to resemble a raw egg white and yolk. 'Cause when I think delicious, I think raw eggs. Unfortunately, the white part resembles certain bodily fluids much more than it does actual egg white. And it's cloyingly, almost unbearably sweet. I challenge you to eat an entire Cadbury egg in less than a minute without going into diabetic shock.

Give me a plain, roasted almond over this crap any day.
Give me a plain, roasted almond over this crap any day.

9. Jordan Almonds Hey kids, who wants to break a tooth? Because that's a distinct possibility when you bite into an accursed Jordan almond, a tasty-sounding treat that's simply an almond coated in sugar. Too bad the sugar coating tastes more like chalk than anything found in a kitchen, and the almonds contained within are generally flavorless. The reason they're considered an Easter candy even though they can be purchased year-round is that they're pastel-colored. And that's about it. I guess they're sort of egg-shaped, too, but in reality, Jordan almonds have about as much to do with Easter as a pebble. (The pebble might taste better, though.)

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8. Fluffy Stuff Cotton Tails Part of the joy of eating cotton candy comes from watching the person making it at a fair or carnival sweep a hand around the giant metal bowl, picking up wisps of sugar along the way. It's fresh, and when you put a fluffy handful into your mouth, it immediately melts upon meeting your tongue--a fun sensation no matter your age. Fluffy Stuff Cotton Tails are not similarly satisfying. They aren't even really fluffy. They're hard, compact balls of sugar in unpleasant faded shades of blue and pink. You might as well dig into an old bag of sugar, find a few clumps and eat that instead. It tastes the same, and it's cheaper.

Could I have a Crunch bar instead?
Could I have a Crunch bar instead?
Photo courtesy candywarehouse.com

7. Bunny Munny This treat is particularly offensive to me because it masquerades as something delicious. Chocolate with a bit of crispy rice in it? What could possibly be bad about that? How about the fact that they unfortunately taste more like cardboard with a slight chocolate flavor than actual chocolate? They purport to be made with real chocolate, but if that's true, why do they taste so unfortunate? And can we talk about how offensive that spelling of "munny" is to anyone older than 10? Don't purposefully misspell candy names to be cute! No one thinks it's cute! Sidenote: On the Candy Warehouse website, there is actually a disclaimer, "Sorry, these treats are not a valid form of U.S. currency." In case you were confused.

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Is it still Easter candy if it tastes like hell?
Is it still Easter candy if it tastes like hell?
Photo courtesy candywarehouse.com

6. Bunny Basket Eggs/Easter Hunt Eggs Brach's is perhaps the worst offender on this list, bringing us three of the ten worst candies, direct from their testing and manufacturing plant in some faraway land where no one has taste buds. Bunny Basket Eggs are the least offensive of the three, featuring, essentially, fake gummy marshmallows surrounded by a coating of bad jelly bean. They stick in your teeth. They melt in your plastic eggs. They get awkward jelly bean coating color on your fingers. And what do you get for your trouble? Nastiness. Pretty much just a hunk of sugar that tastes like artificial fruit and giving up.

5. Peeps People either love Peeps or hate them. I personally like to heat them up in the microwave and watch them balloon to enormous sizes and then deflate. I like to stick toothpicks in them while they're in the microwave and allow them to joust. I like to use them as cat toys. I do not like to eat them. Like the Bunny Basket Eggs, Peeps purport to be marshmallows, but are, in fact, some marshmallow/sugar hybrid that ends up tasting like both and neither simultaneously. They are messy (colored granulated sugar EVERYWHERE), nearly flavorless and manufactured by a company creepily named "Just Born." Perhaps the best use of Peeps is in the dioramas that crazy people with far too much time on their hands make every year.

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Just...no. So many better options.
Just...no. So many better options.
Photo by Garry Knight

4. Generic Jelly Beans I can get behind a few specific flavors of Jelly Belly jelly beans. I quite like the Starburst jelly beans. I absolutely cannot handle generic jelly beans. They're waxy and often florescent in color, and they taste like little more than sugar and horrendously bastardized fruit. At least Jelly Bellys and Starburst attempt to inject flavor into the tiny kidney bean-shaped candy. Not so other brands (I'm looking at you, Brach's). They're content to color their products without adding any legitimate flavor. Unless the flavor they're going for is wax. In that case, well done.

Like Peeps, candy corn needs to pick just ONE holiday. Or maybe none.
Like Peeps, candy corn needs to pick just ONE holiday. Or maybe none.
Photo courtesy candywarehouse.com

3. Easter Candy Corn IT'S NOT EVEN GOOD AT HALLOWEEN. WHY MAKE IT FOR ANOTHER HOLIDAY?! WHY?! Shockingly, it looks even more gross in pastel shades.

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2. Chocolate Crosses Oh hey, I have a great idea. Let's remind people of the reason for the season, so to speak, by replacing chocolate bunnies with chocolate crosses. I mean, I realize the whole notion of Easter candy seems frivolous, but I think mass-producing crosses for the kiddos to put in their Easter baskets would really add some gravitas to the affair. The only question is, where do you start eating a chocolate cross? With the bunnies you start with the ears. With the cross do you start with where the head should be? Do you break off the section for the left arm? That reminds me: Many people, including Jesus, were murdered on these things. Are we sure they're appropriate fodder for foodstuffs? Oh, who am I kidding, of course they are! And then, once a child eats an entire chocolate cross in once sitting and proceeds to get violently ill from too much sugar, he or she will truly understand the Lord's suffering.

Here, honey. Have some candy that looks like a sarcophagus.
Here, honey. Have some candy that looks like a sarcophagus.
Photo courtesy candywarehouse.com

1. Brach's Chicks & Rabbits These are the items I as a child most dreaded finding in Easter baskets or stuffed unceremoniously into plastic eggs at parties. What would I do if someone presented me with a bright-orange hunk of eraser disguised as candy? Would I feign delight and eat it anyway, then risk melodramatically gagging and spitting it out at the feet of my gracious host? Would I tuck it away to later slip to a poor, unwitting canine? Would I throw it nonchalantly into someone else's basket. I honestly don't remember what I did with the damn things, but I guarantee you I didn't eat them. Fool me once...and all that jazz. The flavor is listed as "marshmallow," which, if you believe the multitude of flavored-vodka products out there is, in fact, a genuine flavor. But these don't taste anything like marshmallows. They're essentially the same material as those off-putting orange Circus Peanuts candies--soft so long as they've never touched oxygen, but instantly hardening into toothbreaking plaster once exposed to the elements. Worse still, the candies only vaguely resemble the eponymous chicks and rabbits. They're much more akin to totem poles or idols used for some bizarre, decidedly not Easter-y ritual. Consume at your own risk.


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