Top 5 Food Maneuvers That Only Work On Television
On TV, even a small French child is good at separating Oreos.
As a little kid, I liked to eat my cereal in a clear bowl with bright-white milk with the box placed next to my bowl facing outward toward an imaginary audience. Just like in the commercials. For whatever reason, I found replicating those advertisement tableaux extremely satisfying, and since then, I've compulsively attempted to recreate certain consumption techniques and serving styles I see on the airwaves. But I've come to a startling conclusion: real life does not always mirror TV. Here are five maneuvers that only work (perfectly) on television.
5. Separating Oreos. I'm not saying it can't be done, I'm just saying I've never been able to do it. On the commercials, separating Oreos into two pristine halves, one pure cookie and one pure cookie and cream is a feat accomplished by clumsy toddlers and arthritic 80-year-olds alike. And this makes me feel like a loser.
4. Pulling Apart A Grilled Cheese Sandwich. Thanks, Kraft. I wouldn't even have thought of breaking apart my grilled cheese in such a way if y'all hadn't captivated me with repeated images of the two halves parting like the red sea of ooey-goey cheesiness. Every time I try to recreate this move, I end up pulling the crusts off the bread and dropping the whole sandwich.
3. Spelling Words With Alphabet Soup. I know how to spell. I even won some bees in my day. But, I swear to God, every can of alphabet soup contains an inordinate amount of U's. And no S's. Or R's. Where does that leave me?
2. Lifting That First Evenly Dripping Slice From A Pizza. This image is so widespread, I can't blame a single brand or company, though I'm pretty sure my obsession started after seeing thick wedges of supreme pizza with mozzarella veils reluctantly extracted from gigantic Pizza Hut pies. In reality, that first piece either comes out sans cheese drippings OR the pull of the cheese is so strong that it completely separates from the slice and you're left with a triangle of deep-dish dough coated with tomato sauce.
1. Drinking Directly From A Straw Stuck In An Orange. Yeah, yeah, I get that this image is a metaphor for the high quality of the juice, but that doesn't mean gullible children (okay, me) don't actually try it. The result is a lot of sputtering and swallowing of air, not juice. And the trick is NOT in the red-striped straw. I have, however, had marginal more success with a grapefruit.
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