Halloween is upon us, yet again. And every year, Halloween costumes get either sluttier or blatantly, intentionally lamer. (Witness our sister blog, Art Attack, for more ideas on how to achieve the latter.)
So what does a food-loving, non-slutty, only slightly lame person do for Halloween? We've assembled five choices from the constellation of Food Network personalities -- both past and present -- that require very little ingenuity on your end but a whole lot of BAM to pull off. Think you've got what it takes to be Anthony Bourdain for Halloween? (Considering the answer is to smoke, get drunk and snarl a lot, you probably do.)
5. Mario Batali
Great for: the heavyset gentleman who's outgrown going as Comic Book Guy every year and is looking for a new, mature direction in his Halloween costume. Also, anyone who loves Crocs.
You'll need: a white button-up shirt (just pretend it's a chef's jacket), khaki shorts, a white apron that ties at the waist, orange or white socks (your call), orange Crocs.
4. Sandra Lee
Great for: blonde MILFs, or any young women aspiring to be blonde MILFs.
You'll need: an outfit assembled from your mother's closet (if you're one of the younger Sandra Lees) or an outfit assembled from Chico's (if you're already at MILF stage), a vacant expression and a plastic smile. Remember to display as much cleavage as possible and do not draw in your eyebrows. I also highly recommend carrying around a Kwanzaa cake.
3. Anthony Bourdain
Great for: slim, slightly older men with a penchant for excessive profanity and inebriation.
You'll need: a black punk rock t-shirt with the sleeves cut off, skinny jeans, old cowboy boots, a cigarette in one hand, a flask in your back pocket and an attitude. You're going for old-school Bourdain here, remember, not the non-smoking father who looks almost wholesome and presentable.
2. Paula Deen
Great for: older, heavyset men with a droll sense of humor or anyone who just wants to don a fatsuit. Also, anyone who has a great Southern drawl or is willing to fake it, Steel Magnolias-style.
You'll need: a gray wig, a button-up shirt halfway buttoned over a tank or shell, lots and lots of jewelry (especially bracelets and rings), a pearl necklace, copiously applied Southern belle-style makeup and a plate of Velveeta fudge. Eat it all yourself. Don't share.
Last but not least (and you should have seen this one coming)...
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SHOW ME HOW
1. Guy Fieri
Great for: men who are willing to both frost and spike their hair for a laugh, grow a goatee and are unafraid to look like abject douchebags. (I know the word is overused, but it's apropos in this context.)
You'll need: the aforementioned frosted and spiked hair, the ugliest pair of glasses that your local Chevron station sells, a shirt with flames on it, black cargo shorts, wristbands that only tennis players and Guy Fieri wear, more silver jewelry than any man should ever wear and no sense of shame. You should also be willing to strike this pose at any given moment.