Top 5 Fourth of July Treats
Apple pie, freedom and dogs dressed like humans: America, baby.
It's that time of year again.
It's the season for an almost reckless amount of patriotism, a generous portion of American pride and a heaping scoop of pure, unadulterated revelry in the name of the Greatest Country on Earth: 'merica.
Fourth of July has been and will always be one of my favorite holidays, as it not only appeals to my endless love of my country, but also to my desires for grilled meat, an assload of beer and blowing shit up.
For reference, an assload is approximately four metric fucktons, give or take.
Whether it's hot, cold, grilled or chilled, these are my favorite eats for Independence Day.
5. Plain Potato Chips
The plainer the better, and preferably served in a large, plain bowl.
Nothing says dad-at-the-grill-backyard-party like a large, plain bowl of plain potato chips.
That's about as American as you get.
Your massive steak should make you and your tongs look this small.
4- A Massive Steak Cooked On a Hot Grill.
Step 1: Buy a bigass steak.
Step 2: Grill the bigass steak over a hotass fire.
Step 3: Eat that bigass steak real quick.
Step 4: America.
3. The King of Beers
There is some comfort to be had drinking out of a can with an American flag on it.
Having a few Buds is pretty damn patriotic, in my opinion. Not Bud Light, but Bud. Pound a few, smash 'em up real good on the ground and start a "USA!" chant.
2. Bomb Pops
Bomb Pops are a combination of the American Flag and popsicles. I'm not sure what else needs to be said here.
Eat one. They are delicious. Just don't talk about them on an airplane.
Ha. Look at all those wieners.
1. Hot Dog
Look, you can eat whatever you like on Independence Day. You're an American, for Christ's sake -- it's your freedom to do or eat just exactly what you please.
However, I think it's just slightly unpatriotic to not consume at least one grilled hot dog on the fourth of July. Hot dogs are America, through and through: they are baseball, backyard cookouts, nighttime fireworks and humid, warm summer nights.
I take my hot dog with ketchup, but again, this is America, damn it.
Put whatever you damn well please on your hot dog and have a safe, fun Fourth of July.
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