Top 5 Off-the-Market Drinks We're Still Thirsty For

Raaaaaiiiiiin!! You washed away our sorrow; took away our pain. Your love came down like....Raaaaiiiiin!
Raaaaaiiiiiin!! You washed away our sorrow; took away our pain. Your love came down like....Raaaaiiiiin!

We've been taking a look at foods we miss dearly and crave back in our lives. So far, we've decided we can't stand a life without snacks like O'boisies Potato Chips and Fast Food Chicken Dishes like KFC's 39¢ Chicken Littles. But all of that junk food has made us thirsty, so this time, we're reminiscin' 'bout some dranks.

Here are the Top 5 Discontinued Drinks That We're Still Thirsty For:

5. Snapple Elements

Offering flavors like Earth, Fire, Sun and Rain, Elements was the the Captain Planet of fruit drinks. I'd drink the shit out of them and then use the beautiful glass bottles for memory candles -- reduce, reuse, recycle!

My favorite by far was Snapple Rain, the clear agave cactus flavor that tasted like it dripped straight from the clouds of heaven (many props to Snapple for using agave long before it was cool).

Someone write Wendy Kaufman and ask her why Snapple started hating on nature so much. Together we can make a change!

4. Squeeze-it Fruit Drinks

Squeeze-its basically taught us how to binge-drink. They were our first glance into the world of shot-gunning and good old-fashioned chug-offs. I remember squeezing that dinky plastic bottle as hard as I possibly could to get out every last drop as fast as I possibly could.

I don't know what I miss more, the juice itself, in flavors like Silly Billy Strawberry and Chucklin' Cherry, or the hysteria brought on by a table full of ten-year-olds swig-racing at the lunch table.

Production of these sugar-laden "fruit" drinks stopped in 2001, but as with any worthy discontinued item, we can band together and sign an online petition that will inevitably be ignored.

3. Hi-C Ecto Cooler

Admit it, you miss this Slimer-based drink that tasted like a glorified Tang. The bright-green citrus-flavored juice was a tie-in to the 1980s The Real Ghostbusters television series that was based on the iconic film that we all know and love. The themed juice boxes managed to stay on the shelves long after the show's heyday, before being renamed twice and eventually discontinued in 2007.

Thankfully, via the power of the interwebs and the nerds of America, you can learn how to make your own Ecto Cooler at home. Thanks, dweebs!

2. Crystal Pepsi

It's not a discontinued list without Crystal Pepsi, amiright? In 1992, Pepsi made this caffeine-free soda crystal-clear to convey purity and health to consumers ('90s marketing at its best). Unfortunately, the product was an epic fail, and Pepsi had to pull it a short year later.

Though it tasted pretty much exactly the same as its darker counterpart, old-school cola fans just didn't know what to make of the clear beverage. But we here at Eating...Our Words are believers. Bring back the purity!

1. Original Four Loko

We'll never let go...
We'll never let go...
Photo by Jeezny

Remember the good old days (like, less than two years ago) when you could chug one oversize can of Four Loko and rage for 45 minutes before convulsing, throwing up and passing out? God, I miss that. Now you have to drink two or three of these alcoholic energy drinks to get crunk and you still won't get the proper shakes.

So what if it was an upper and downer in a can that was irresponsibly targeted to minors? Regulations schmegulations -- banning Four Loko in all its glory was a mistake. Viva revolution!

What are your favorite discontinued drinks? Did anyone else stock up on cases of Four Loko back when they announced the original's ban? Do you agree that the "texturally enhanced" Orbitz drinks with edible floating balls were just plain weird? What about Surge?

Share your thoughts...

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