Top 5 Snacks I Still Like (But Shouldn't)
Anything promoted with a slam-dunking kangaroo or a free Transformer pocket toy shouldn't appeal to those over the age of ten, and yet...
Ever look down at your cart and contemplate throwing in a box of baby wipes or kids' sunscreen just so people think you're shopping for children? Some of the snacks I still enjoy as a 20-something-year-old female are just downright embarrassing. At what point will I stop liking this crap? It's not often that I do it, but every now and then, one of these snacks will find its way into my cart, usually hidden under a bulb of adult-friendly romaine or a carton of oh-so-grown-up cherry tomatoes.
I present to you: The Top 5 Snacks I Still Like (But Shouldn't):
5. Handi-Snacks Crackers n' Cheese
Every cool kid knows that by middle school, these snacks should be out of your lunch bag and replaced by something hipper, like a soft pretzel. But even now, I can't seem to stop myself from digging into to this spreadable cheese snack. It's got a separate compartment just for cheese...and a little red stick, for god's sake! How could I resist?
This was most definitely the precursor to my obsession with cheese and crackers. So why is it acceptable for me to eat triple creme brie with black pepper water biscuits, but not a bright-orange, indiscernible blend of processed cheese that I spread onto shitty crackers or dip into using tasteless breadsticks? Is it because the cracker has a face on it? Luckily, they sell these by the 30-pack at Sam's Club, so I can hoard enough for the year in just one awkward trip.
4. Yoo-hoo (Likely to be accompanied by #5).
Surely drinking skim milk with a splash of reduced-sugar chocolate syrup would be a better fit for my chocolate milk craving, but sometimes nothing does it like a swig of freshly shaken Yoo-hoo. I prefer using a tiny-ass straw to drink out of the world's smallest box when snacking on what is most likely a Handi-Snack. But give me the old-school glass jug for when I'm eating a plain ham and cheese sandwich from the Italian deli across the street. Is that so weird? Don't answer, I know it is...
They'll blow you away...and apparently turn you into a giant cartoon fruit.
Fruit snacks in general are something that probably shouldn't be eaten after the age of 12, especially if they're filled with a sugary, fruit-flavored syrup that blasts in your mouth upon first bite. Now tack on the fact that they come in flavors like "Gushin' Grape," "G Force Radical Berry" and "Xtreme Kiwi Xplosion," and you've got yourself a problem. Yet I often find myself craving a baggy of the hexagonal fruit snacks. At least they're "made with real fruit." Right?? Please say yes.
On Wikipedia, Lunchables are described as "a line of children's meals manufactured by Kraft Foods." Children's meals; it's right there on Wikipedia, which means it has got to be true. There are tons of varieties of this lunch snack, from Chicken Dunks to the classic Turkey and Cheddar Cracker Stackers, but my favorite has got to be the Pepperoni Pizza packs that come with Capri Sun and Airheads. It's the goddamn Triple Crown of things an adult should not be eating. But it's so damn good.
Just look at the name. It's clearly ridiculous, and I clearly shouldn't buy it. Why. Can't. I. Stop.
Over the years I have noticed that the Kangaroo-endorsed sweet cookie and chocolate or vanilla icing treats had started disappearing from the shelves of my grocery store. And so I began to seek them out. That's when I first knew I had a problem.
Today, these Betty Crocker snacks can be found online and at select stores that sell excess stock of crap that nobody wants (like Big Lots). I'll leave you with this commercial, which further proves that I should not be wanting this snack.
How do I dunk my Dunk-a-roos? In shame.
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