If 4chan is the Wild West of the Internet, Reddit is the PG-13 version: a cleaned-up mining town grown rich on silver that mostly keeps the riff-raff out, Tombstone-style (or at least confined to subreddits such as r/gonewild and r/spacedicks). It's where the local residents gather to discuss important topics like kittens, memes, science, puppies, politics, arbitrary arguments for the sake of arbitrariness and gross-out stories that 31-year-olds shouldn't still find amusing but do. Reddit also loves food. A lot.
Many of the stories that make it to the sacred "front page" of Reddit through its system of user (or "redditor") upvoting and downvoting are nothing more than a picture of what someone cooked for dinner that night. Occasionally, a photo spread of something like one man's summer of eating at Los Angeles food trucks will make the cut, too. Far more popular, however, are Reddit threads that not only feature food as a topic but allow discussion and/or arguments over which foodstuff in question is superior.
Most recently, a Reddit thread on "the best cheese/bread combo for a grilled cheese" hit the front page and Redditors across the Internet converged to give their own suggestions for the most superior grilled cheese of all.
With one major problem.
See also: Grilled Mac & Cheese Sandwich at Ziggy's
Not once in the top 200 comments did anyone mention Velveeta. Sure, if you expand the comment thread to include all 500 comments, Velveeta gets a few paltry mentions.
"But the Velveeta processed dairy product is sooo creamy and melty. I love me some fake cheese," exhorts one redditor. To which another redditor immediately retorts: "Bleh. Just American cheese sold in block form."
JUST AMERICAN CHEESE? SOLD IN BLOCK FORM? HOW ABOUT THE AMERICAN CHEESE SOLD IN BLOCK FORM?
It is well-established that nothing melts like Velveeta, thanks -- yes -- in large part to the many chemicals that keep Velveeta in its charming block form, a form which has remained unchanged since my childhood.
Thank God some other redditor further down the thread came to Velveeta's defense, or else I would have had to de-lurk after years spent in quiet contemplation of Reddit's curious nature solely to defend America's favorite cheese product:
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I always go with cheap white bread and Kraft or Velveeta American cheese. Served with a cup of Cambell's tomato soup. So nostalgic and comforting, it brings me back to my childhood! When I make a grilled cheese sandwich I spread margarine very carefully covering each possible surface. I use a small skillet that has a lid and spray it with a touch of PAM. Grilling it with the lid on ensures all the cheese will be thoroughly melted as the heat gets trapped in there and kind of steams it. I only like a medium grill on my bread and I kept finding the cheese in the middle wouldn't get nice and gooey.
And that's how you make a grilled cheese sandwich, folks. You can keep your fancy Gruyere and artisan sourdough bread. They're lovely and all, but a grilled cheese sandwich is at its best when it's simple and, okay, highly processed. Ain't that America?