This and every Christmas season the most important person is the
baby Jesus, with a bearded, white-haired toy factory owner coming in a
close second. Every year we flock to the malls to sit in our kids down
on Santa’s lap. Sometimes they run off screaming, while others take to
the old guy just like they would an elderly relative.

Santa Round-Up: Memorial City Mall—December 9, 2008, 7pm

“Come on, sit on my lap,” Santa Gary says while I stutter something about appropriateness.

“Man, I’m not a five-year old. I’m kind of thick. How about I just kneel next to your chair,” I’m negotiating with the guy now.

Santa never asks you for something. It’s the other way around. Does Santa have a Santa? He won’t answer any of my serious reportish questions unless I embarrass myself first. Fine, it’s a deal. I relent and the young lady working the camera takes a quick snap of us, with my nervous smile shining brightly. I hadn’t done that in at least a decade and a half, tops.

I get up and begin to reassess my adult reality so Santa can take care
of the line that formed behind me. A two-month old girl is being
cradled in line by her mother, who asks the young photographer about
the chances of getting the little thing to smile on cue for the big
guy. No dice, unless she’s dirtying her diaper. You may get the odd
grin.

Sepia Event Photography is the Hockley-based company in
charge of this location, as they are for at least half a dozen other
ones around Houston and the suburbs. The area manager, Harry Stafford
fills me in on their operation, using an almost military vernacular.
He’s jovial about his job, yet tactical and firm. Talking to him I
almost imagine we are in Tikrit going over troop movements, exchanging
Santa for an Abrams tank. Hell, where do I sign up?

“We offer
what we call “white-glove service”, which means we consider customer
satisfaction a high priority. If you are not satisfied with Santa or
any of the staff, we do whatever we can to help,” Harry says as we
dodge strollers coming out of the corral of kids.

I heard
about the white-glove policy last night. It doesn’t apply to just
customer service or Sepia. There is an industry-wide agreement that
both of Santa’s hands must be visible in all pictures. It serves as a
precaution against lawsuits or parental doubt. This is also compounded
with the stringent background checks for all Santas.

“We call
these ‘giggle kits’,” Harry says holding a bag of what looks like cat
and dog toys. There’s a feather duster, toy horns, noisemakers. Each
location gets one of these kits to coax a smile or laugh at of
stone-faced children. They also help in the hysterical crying I have
been witness to. Just then, Santa Gary calls me over to chat.

“You
know, being a Santa was on my bucket-list,” Gary tells me as he
straightens out his beard. He wanted to do this just once before he
died. The next task on his list is to ride with the “Hurricane
Hunters”, the pilots who fly into the storms to see what category they
rate. A few weeks back he got the chance to ride in a police helicopter
over Houston.

Last Christmas he told his wife that he was growing out his beard for a
year to play Santa. He’s currently taking time off from his flooring
company to don the suit. The beard is making its exit on Christmas day,
and not soon enough for his better half.

Santa Gary says of
all the things kids are asking for this year, among the usual Nintendo
Wii systems and perennial Barbie dolls, is something a little less
tangible.

“Some of the children just ask for their parents to
be happy. Not that they are separated and want reconciliation, but they
just want to see them contented, less stressed,” he explains over sips
of bottled water.

When I was little I just wanted Ghostbusters
toys and a word-processor, my parents’ well-being be damned. Maybe kids
these days aren’t so bad.

— Craig Hlavaty

This article appears in Dec 4-10, 2008.