As the world desperately waits for word on the whereabouts of missing Growing Pains actor Andrew “Boner” Koenig, Hair Balls asks what about the others?
We’re afraid Boner may not be the only casualty of the 1980s sitcom kid character diaspora, and we won’t be able to exhale until all those listed below are accounted for. We hope to open a confidential tip-line later this week. Remember — we don’t need your name, only your information.
Name: Buddy Lembeck
Last seen: Hunting “talent” for his friend’s plan to direct a so-called variety show featuring impressionable young women
Description: The dim-witted accomplice of Charles, a seemingly ageless man with no last name who lived in a basement and was charged with meting out discipline and reward to a stable of teenage girls, Buddy Lembeck was most likely what would have been described in the 1980s as “learning disabled.” Terribly prone to powers of suggestion — he was once tricked into believing he had extra-sensory perception — Lembeck was always at his mentor’s beck and call.
Possible whereabouts: Suburban New Jersey malls, TDCJ/Death row
Show: Facts of Life
Name: Blair Warner
Last seen: Buying Eastland Academy, her financially troubled alma mater
Description:Heiress to the Warner Textiles fortune and
great-granddaughter of a Ku Klux Klansman, Warner was a materialistic
narcissist whose sense of entitlement bristled the more liberal
contingent of her immediate social circle, especially the intellectual
but glandually challenged editor of the school paper, and apparent
votech-transfer financial aid case with latent homosexual
tendencies. Blisteringly self-centered, Warner was jealous of anyone
who stole the limelight from her, including a
twitching, wheelchair-bound cousin whose damaged cerebral cortex
harbored aspirations of comedy stardom.
Possible whereabouts: Eastland Academy; River Oaks
Show: ALF
Name: Brian Tanner
Last seen: Waving goodye to a furry 229-year-old cat-eating alien.
Description: Ironically, the kid with perhaps the least amount of
personality was in the greatest amount of danger. The younger child of
the Tanner clan was forced by dictatorial parents Willie and Kate to
keep mum about a strange creature they welcomed into their home without
question. Maintaining an outwardly dull, whitebread facade was the
Tanner parents’ modus operandi; no teacher or other authority
figure would think twice about why young Brian might show up to school
with black eyes and fur in his mouth. Horrifyingly malleable, Brian
learned at a young age to keep deep dark secrets and to trust even the
most hirsute, naked drifters. From the moment Brian was born, his life
was in peril.
Possible whereabouts: Shallow grave in the Tanners’ back yard
Show: Head of the Class
Name: Dennis Blunden
Last seen: Graduating high school after five years
Description: A virginal, overweight computer wizard who occupied
most of the back row of a classroom comprising a group of academically
gifted but often socially inept high school students, Dennis masked
deep-rooted insecurity through sarcasm and the passive-agressive
psychological torture of his “friend” Arvid, the only kid in class more
vulnerable than himself.
Possible whereabouts: Microsoft offices in Redmond, Washington; parents’ basement
Show: Just the Ten of Us
Name: Marie Lubbock, Cindy Lubbock, Wendy Lubbock, Connie Lubbock
Sherry Lubbock, Melissa Lubbock, Graham Lubbock Jr., Harvey Lubbock
Last seen: Battling over the fate of a cow
Description: The octet brood of a possessive high-school coach
father who seethed with disproportianal rage if a boy even looked at
what he considered his female chattel, the children attended a Catholic
school, even though they were clearly the spawn of a fundamentalist
Mormon patriarch and one of his subservient sister-wives. Their father
was often seen with a gym whistle around his neck, an apparent warning
mechanism to corral the litter into the basement, where the
semi-automatic machine guns were stored, when state and federal
authorities finally closed in.
Possible whereabouts: Eldorado, Texas; Children’s Protective Services
This article appears in Feb 18-24, 2010.
