There’s a reason that I run video game reviews under the label “Reviews for the Lazy Gamer.” When it comes to playing games, I like to win. I usually hang out on low difficulty settings because I don’t deal with frustration well and can’t afford to replace a broken controller after I’ve thrown it. It may be kind of a sissy thing to do, but I’ve seen the ending of Ninja Gaiden and Road Runner Death Valley Rally without a Game Genie, so I feel like I’ve put in my hours in the challenge department.
Some gamers, though, they not only like to do things the hard way, they like to invent whole new hard ways. I mean, games are already set up in direct opposition to your winning, and these folks decide to stack the deck so high against themselves that the phrase “the game is cheating” might actually be applicable.
Which makes the rewards all the more sweet. I guess.
Final Fantasy IX Excalibur II Perfect Game
The most powerful sword in Final Fantasy IX is the Excalibur II, which as you would expect is better than the Excalibur. Video game swords apparently follow the Godfather rules of sequels as opposed to the House Party rules. The weapon boasts the highest attack power in the game, 108, and adds the Holy element to boot. It is the ultimate sword, and acquiring it involves getting almost to the very end of the game in 12 hours or less, then looking behind a specific pillar. Any longer and the sword won’t be there.
That’s not really that hard, especially if you know how to skip the two hours of cut scenes by opening the cover of the Playstation, but then there is the Perfect Game challenge.
To have the perfect game implies that you’ve collected every single item in the game (In some cases, enough of each item for each character). That’s formidable because there are 41 missable items that become unavailable by the time you reach the end of the game on Disc 4. The rest you can get afterwards. Then, just to make it even more insane was born the idea of perfect stats.
You gain top stats by leveling up with attribute-boosting equipment. The best equipment for this purpose is only available at the end of the game, but by then you have likely reached at least level 50 and won’t have as many levels left to boost on before you cap at 99. Not in the perfect stat challenge. The goal there is to forgo all experience point accumulation and stay at level one using very select methods of beating enemies with petrify or other methods that don’t net experience until Disc 4 when you’re faced with four enemies where there is no other way of avoiding the experience.
As mind-numbing as this sounds, the 93 videos on that playlist up there prove it’s doable in the 12-hour time limit. Or you can read an insanely detailed FAQ on the subject here if you want to try it for yourself.Finishing The Legend of Zelda Without a Sword
Back in the day, you could take a picture of your high scores and send them into Nintendo Power. If you had an impressive enough one, you would get printed up in the magazine. That’s right, Nintendo Power invented the original national leaderboard! I distinctly remember combing through it one day when I came across a single entry.
Finished Legend of Zelda without a sword. Is that even possible? I mean, that’s the most basic aspect of the game. Some old guy hands you a sword, says, “It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this,” presumably dies, and off you go.
The reality is that no, you can’t beat the game without a sword because hitting Ganon with the Master Sword is the only way to beat him. That being said, you can get all the way to Ganon without using it once. Matthew Visyak decided to not only do that, but he also managed to do it with only the three hearts you start with and without getting the red and blue rings that boost your defense. Again, I’d call bullshit, but there’s three hours of proof up there you can’t argue with.
Still, it’s not the most amazing Zelda challenge.Beating Ocarina of Time Blind
Canadian Jordan Verner is blind, but decided to play video games anyway because fuck you, that’s why. His favorite game was The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, and using a sweet speaker set up he proved through YouTube videos that beating the first level, the Deku Tree, was possible with careful sound cues, rolls to time his movements easier than with walking, and possibly arcane magic.
He wanted to beat the whole thing, but in his own words considered that “more of a fantasy than the game itself.” Nonetheless, he put a call out for help on Skype to see if anyone might be willing to help him defeat Ganon without ever actually seeing him in an entertainment medium where that was never even considered as a possibility.
Roy Williams and a few other gamers decided to come to Verner’s aid, and spent two whole years mapping out beating the game by notating every single controller command. Ultimately, Verner did manage to complete the game. By contrast, I finally beat it for the first time earlier this year, and haven’t started Majora’s Mask yet because it “sounds hard.” Even this isn’t the best disability overcome story in this article, but let’s take a detour first.Insane Custom Super Mario World Levels
There’s a whole community of people that custom make their own levels based on Super Mario World. This has progressed from fun to balls out madness. I first ran across them as a series of hacks that involved levels designed to be beaten by letting Mario stand completely skill. These Rube Goldberg contraptions are a scream to watch, but aside from the skill needed to actually construct a level isn’t that the opposite of making a game harder? Yes it is, so hold onto your butts.
A YouTube user named Moltov specializes in levels that should be all but impossible. Then, of course he beats them. My favorite opens with the following quote…
The amount of tears this pain will bring is undescribable agony that there will be no life left in your soul.
Brother, is he right. Watching that video above shows a level of dexterity, reflex, and sheer luck that would make Spider-Man cry hacks. And Moltov knowingly and painstakingly puts himself through the process like Jigsaw forgetting which end you point the murder trap at.Playing Mass Effect 3 as a Quadriplegic
What do all the games before us have in common? They’re all old games. Even Final Fantasy IX is almost 13 years old. You could argue that they’re all relatively simple in terms of interface, controls, and execution. Relative to what? Well, Mass Effect 3 comes to mind.
Alain Poitras may be able to see the games he plays, so he’s got one up on Jordan Verner. However, he did lose the use of his fingers and legs in a 1985 accident involving sliding on the snow. Despite the fact that he lacks what 99 percent of us would consider an even more basic ability than sight to play a game, he still manages to execute a mean game of Mass Effect 3 by using a stick in his mouth to manipulate the laptop.
Poitras started using a modified mouse that allows him to click with his wrist to begin trying out everything from submarine warfare games to Myst as part of his therapy. As his ability began to build, he started taking on first-person shooters, ultimately being able to win a Silver Medal in a multiplayer match. That’s hard to do even with teammates watching your back. He did it solo with his mouth!
Even BioWare senior designer Manveer Heir bows before such awesomeness. He tweeted, “He soloed silver?! He’s 100X more baller than I’ll ever be.”
