Valentine's Day is pretty tame in the House With One F. Just a card, stuffed animal, chocolates, wine, and maybe a small present. But some people like to go above and beyond on the day, and for that Etsy has just the thing... provided that in addition to having a loving significant other you are also a raging stack of raisin cakes.
Women like jewelry, something women and people who sell jewelry tend to shout at me wherever I go. Show your girl what it really means to be joined together with this vestigial or parasitic twin necklace. Yes, the tragedy of improper separation in the womb of twins perfectly symbolizes the unbreakable bonds of love. It's even sort of heart shaped, if you squint at it out of that living but unseeing eye located in your pancreas.
What's a girl to do if she wants to give back in the bauble department and send the same message of eternal biological union? Why, hook up your man with these silver plated Human Centipede cuff links. As an anime once stated, "How can you say you love her if you can't even eat her poop?" Warning, not water proof.
Valentine's Day can be a wonderful opportunity to passive-aggressively work out your differences. Think your husband needs to lose weight? Buy him some weights. Or if you prefer to howl your fears about his deepening alcoholism through a bizarre accessory, these recycled beer can hats with crocheted trim should send home the message in a big way. The seller also makes a Monster Energy Drink version, perfect for telling off the neglectful gamer in your life.
I like buying custom greeting cards on Etsy. I got this beautiful one depicting Rory waiting for Amy Pond from Doctor Who for my wife this year. Some of the things you can find, though, are... less beautiful and tasteful. I really hate to knock this seller because I think it is very noble to want to craft a line of biracial greeting cards, but it would be easier to praise it if it didn't remind me so much of art done by John Wayne Gacy.
You may be considering getting a big old stuffed polar bear for your women to snuggle with when you're away on your extended business trips eliminating the Robotic Dinosaur Terrorists or whatever non-writers do, but have you seriously thought about a Reborn Baby Doll? If so, congratulations, it's inside your head now whispering secrets from between the realms. My stars and garters, if there's anything in the world creepier than that picture little "Baby Evan" probably consumed it in the womb.
Look, I realize that everybody tries to market their personal bric-a-brac as a perfect Valentine's Day gift to move some units. Hell, Bill O'Reilly seriously plugged his books as a good gift, which is ridiculous since this is obviously the superior literary bequest for the modern lady. When you try to push a reusable menstrual pad as something every girl wants to open on February 14 though, then you have left behind sanity quicker than the Rapture speeding away from Richard Dawkins with an upraised middle finger.
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AHHHHHH! Bring back Baby Evan. I don't care if he's Lilith's undead abortion, only he can fight this monstrosity. These are handcrafted Victorian dilDolls, and I would like to point out that I don't know the exact signs that herald the Anti-Christ but I am willing to bet my soul they involve horrible puns! They say Valentine's Day is a perfect opportunity to introduce a little spice into the bedroom, but I promise you that if someone is heading towards your orifice brandishing this dead-eyed invader then they only want spice the way Armin Meiwes wanted a good meat fork.
"Daddy, you're my Valentimes!" said my lovely and adorable three-year-old daughter. I'm sure she's off whispering to my wife about what she can get me to show me that we are bound together in a way only a father and daughter can be. Sweetie, if you're reading this? Please know that buying a preserved umbilical cord is definitely not going to send the message you think it will. I mean, you may think, "Gift of life," but all I think is, "Involuntary committal."
On one hand, it's nice to let your partner know that they are more important than the other 1,500 people dying in a horrible maritime disaster with this, admittedly, brilliant looking poster. On the other hand it does remind us that had Rose used even the slightest ingenuity then she could have lived her life with the person she loved. Oh well, it's a pretty picture, but don't pack it on the cruise.
No matter what you do, get chocolate on Valentine's Day. It sounds cliché, but a woman without access to chocolate as Valentine's draws to a close is a woman perfectly capable of ending your shit as we know it. Now, there's nothing wrong with a good old Whitman Sample as long as you're capable of buying two and replacing the toothpaste ones with edible ones, but you could always up the ante with white chocolate baby heads. Now if you'll excuse me, these eyeballs aren't going to rip themselves out of their sockets.