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3-D Up Yer Ass: The Most Anticipated Movies Of 2013

Your ass is gonna be so sore next summer. In a good way.

Hollywood has tons of movies lined up for us over the next 12 months, including highly-anticipated superhero reboots, stirring dramas for old people, questionable remakes and "re-imaginings", and a handful of zombie-related movies to keep theaters flush with cash, and you literally, in the dark.

And I know I speak for everyone when I say that the hottest ticket next year is the 3D re-release of Attack of the Clones next September. The line forms behind me folks!

A Good Day to Die Hard

The 20th entry in the Die Hard canon hits theaters in time for Valentine's Day, for all you guys out there that hate your ladyfriends.

World War Z

Adapting such a well-received novel like Max Brooks' 2006 bestseller World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War is a gamble, but these days all you really need to do to sell a picture to an audience is remind them that zombies are involved in some shape or form and you should recoup at least advertising costs. Fans of the book are already angered about something or other.

Man of Steel

Whaaaa? A Brit playing Superman? All I care about is Michael Shannon as General Zod. And Russell Crowe as Jor-El. And Amy Adams as Lois Lane. Come to think of it, that teaser trailer was pretty rad.

G.I. Joe: Retaliation

More like G.I. NO! Because the last one was stupid, you see.

Oz: The Great and Powerful

I saw the full trailer for this attached to Lincoln a few weeks back. Even if the story sucks, the visuals are already stunning.

Iron Man 3

Robert Downey Jr.'s Tony Stark is back for the third Iron Man film, after joining forces with Captain America, Thor and those other dudes in this past summer's moderately-successful Avengers flick.

The Great Gatsby

Pushed back to May 10, 2013 from this awards season because this next month is crowded release-wise and I am sure director Baz Luhrmann needed more time to make Leonard DiCaprio sexier in post production.

Star Trek into Darkness

This week Paramount released this synosis of the May '13 flick, which you can choose to believe or not to believe, per the J.J. Abrams M.O. The whole thing could be totally different for all we know.

When the crew of the Enterprise is called back home, they find an unstoppable force of terror from within their own organization has detonated the fleet and everything it stands for, leaving our world in a state of crisis.

With a personal score to settle, Captain Kirk leads a manhunt to a war-zone world to capture a one man weapon of mass destruction.

As our heroes are propelled into an epic chess game of life and death, love will be challenged, friendships will be torn apart, and sacrifices must be made for the only family Kirk has left: his crew.


Carrie gets yet another reboot, this time with teen dream Chloë Grace Moretz as the tormented girl with psychic powers, and Julianne Moore as her crazy-bitch mom. This one releases on March 15, just in time for Spring Break. SPRING BREAK!!! Also, Moretz is 15, so creepsters will be thrilled.

Pain & Gain

Mark Wahlberg and Dwayne Johnson as gym meatheads caught up in a crime ring. Count me in. Free protein shakes in the lobby! Judging by all the recent pics of Johnson and Wahlberg that I have been saving to my computer, they are both really getting into shape for their roles.

Saving Mr. Banks

Tom Hanks plays Walt Disney and Emma Thompson is P.L. Travers, the author of Mary Poppins. The film centers on the journey to getting the children's classic turned into a movie for Disney.

The World's End

Simon Pegg. Edgar Wright. Nick Frost. Hilarity ensues.

Movie 43

Movie 43 is sort of like The Kentucky Fried Movie or Amazon Women On The Moon, culling together actors, actresses, and various other creative brains to make a big mash of comedy and gross-out humor. I done told you about this one. We'll see what happens. Emma Stone is in there somewhere too.

Thor: The Dark World

Anothor Thor! See what I did there?? Ha, screw you spell-check!

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

What makes these people think the first Hobbit movie is going to do so well? Oh.

Jack Ryan

Chris Pine will play Captain Kirk and Jack Ryan in the same year. He's also starring as Janis Joplin too. Not really. This is a Bourne-like reboot of the Tom Clancy character for a new audience, since Harrison Ford is 83 and the last Ryan -- Ben Affleck -- didn't really catch fire.


In this comic book adaptation, dead cops linger on among the living as the Rest in Peace Department. Like Robocop, but ghosts? Yeah, and with Jeff Bridges involved.

Sin City: A Dame to Kill For

Currently filming in Austin, Robert Rodriguez's second Sin City installment has been highly-anticipated by RoRo superfans and fans of Mickey Rourke alike.


Spike Lee is directing Josh Brolin in this Americanized remake of the South Korean cult classic. I can already hear the fan-boys wailing and gnashing their teeth.

The Wolverine

Or as most women will call it: Shirtless Hugh Jackson in Japan.

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

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Oh that's right, they were going to make more than one of these, huh?

The Lone Ranger

Johnny Depp and dreamboat Armie Hammer arrive onscreen as Tonto and the titular crime-fighter. Depp is getting hell for wearing the dead bird on his head. See you on July 3!

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