We're writers, which means the steps of our food pyramid are slick with sweet, delicious booze. Ah, Brother Booze. Without you we never would have had the confidence to correct an editor on the difference between "shuriken" and "shoryuken," nor would we have made whoopee with a girl who said she was a werewolf. Come to think of it, Brother Booze may have been a bad idea on that last one. Those scratches got pretty infected.

We digress, drunks typically do. Truth be told, as a family man of middle means, I don't really get out to hit the town's bars. You never know when a two-year-old is going to wake up screaming that the binky she went to bed with now bores her and insists that your drunken, colorblind ass find her the green one last seen three days ago being hurled across the room in a tantrum over a rerun of Dora the Explorer. Trust us, this process is way easier sober.

So on the rare occasions that the kid stays with Nana overnight, we like to make a big deal of the types of drinks we get to partake in. It's a special occasion, after all, not just a glass of wine while collapsed in a papasan chair after a long day in the sheet music mines. And even though there are some wonderfully exotic drinks out there in the world, they always seem to pale in comparison to some of the inebriates we've seen in the world of pop culture. It would be great to step up to the bar and order...

Any conversation on fictional cocktails must begin with the legendary Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series. Invented by the current president of the galaxy, Zaphod Beeblebrox, the drink has been compared to being smashed in the face with a lemon wrapped around a gold brick. In one appearance, the drink actually ate through a ship's bulkhead like the blood of the xenomorph in Alien.

The recipe given in the first book is as follows.

Take the juice from one bottle of that Ol' Janx Spirit.

Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of Santraginus V

Allow three cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the mixture (it must be properly iced or the benzene is lost).

Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it (in memory of all those happy Hikers who have died of pleasure in the Marshes of Fallia).

Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of Qualactin Hypermint extract, redolent of all the heady odours of the dark Qualactin Zones.

Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve, spreading the fires of the Algolian suns deep into the heart of the drink.

Sprinkle Zamphour.

Add an olive.

Drink...but very carefully.

At least such a dangerous concoction can't be made with Earth ingredients, right? You're new to this whole "Internet" thing, aren't you? Frightening recipes utilizing traditional ingredients can be found here. Nice knowing you.