We're writers, which means the steps of our food pyramid are slick with sweet, delicious booze. Ah, Brother Booze. Without you we never would have had the confidence to correct an editor on the difference between "shuriken" and "shoryuken," nor would we have made whoopee with a girl who said she was a werewolf. Come to think of it, Brother Booze may have been a bad idea on that last one. Those scratches got pretty infected.
We digress, drunks typically do. Truth be told, as a family man of middle means, I don't really get out to hit the town's bars. You never know when a two-year-old is going to wake up screaming that the binky she went to bed with now bores her and insists that your drunken, colorblind ass find her the green one last seen three days ago being hurled across the room in a tantrum over a rerun of Dora the Explorer. Trust us, this process is way easier sober.
So on the rare occasions that the kid stays with Nana overnight, we like to make a big deal of the types of drinks we get to partake in. It's a special occasion, after all, not just a glass of wine while collapsed in a papasan chair after a long day in the sheet music mines. And even though there are some wonderfully exotic drinks out there in the world, they always seem to pale in comparison to some of the inebriates we've seen in the world of pop culture. It would be great to step up to the bar and order...
Any conversation on fictional cocktails must begin with the legendary Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series. Invented by the current president of the galaxy, Zaphod Beeblebrox, the drink has been compared to being smashed in the face with a lemon wrapped around a gold brick. In one appearance, the drink actually ate through a ship's bulkhead like the blood of the xenomorph in Alien.
The recipe given in the first book is as follows.
Take the juice from one bottle of that Ol' Janx Spirit.
Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of Santraginus V
Allow three cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the mixture (it must be properly iced or the benzene is lost).
Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it (in memory of all those happy Hikers who have died of pleasure in the Marshes of Fallia).
Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of Qualactin Hypermint extract, redolent of all the heady odours of the dark Qualactin Zones.
Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve, spreading the fires of the Algolian suns deep into the heart of the drink.
Add an olive.
Drink...but very carefully.
At least such a dangerous concoction can't be made with Earth ingredients, right? You're new to this whole "Internet" thing, aren't you? Frightening recipes utilizing traditional ingredients can be found here. Nice knowing you.
We don't know what the proper chemical stimulant to prepare yourself for an evening of robbery, rape and murder is. Crack, maybe? Alcohol typically has too many depressive effects to really give the boost needed for total anarchy and pillaging. However, Anthony Burgess found a way around that in his novel A Clockwork Orange.
Moloko Plus, also called the Knifey Moloko and Milk with Knives in it, is the preferred drink of Alex DeLarge and his gang of droogs before they venture out into the night for some ultraviolence. Burgess doesn't given a detailed description of the recipe, but at least one has appeared online.
1 oz Absinthe, 1 oz Anisette Liqueur, 2 oz Irish Cream Liqueur, 1 Tablespoon sugar, and 5 oz milk in a shaker with ice; the ingredients are then shaken and strained into a tall glass.
The first time we watched Jennifer's Body, we found the whole thing a little desperate. A hot, but pointless, lesbian scene, Diablo Cody's trademark dialogue and a pathological need to be seen as a cult film lost it some serious points in our book. Now, we think it's one of the best horror films of the last five years. Seriously, we've watched it at least ten times this year alone.
In the movie, Megan Fox tries to get into the skinny jeans of the lead singer of a band called Low Shoulder by offering him a 9/11 Tribute Shooter. The shot has red, white and blue layers, but you have to drink it quick or it turns completely brown.
As it turns out, that is a totally real drink, though you'd have trouble finding it by the name Fox uses in the film. The drink is called an American Flag, and even though the whole thing looked impossible to us, it's actually very easy to make thanks to the folks at Webtender.
1/3 Grenadine 1/3 Creme de Cacao 1/3 Blue Curacao
When properly prepared, this shot will look red, white and blue. First pour in 1/3 Grenadine. Then the White Cream de Cacao should be poured in over a bar spoon. Finally the Blue Curacao can be poured in the same way.
Apparently it tastes like a chocolate covered cherry. Yum.
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For about five years, we kind of grew out of video games. We played what we had left over from the early PS2 days, waxed nostalgic with the DS and otherwise spent our time doing other things. Then the Wife With One F bought us a PS3 for Father's Day and what do you know? They started putting titties and liquor in games while we were gone. Ain't the First Amendment keen?
Currently, we're playing the BioShock series, and one of the recurring items you can pick up is a bottle of Arcadian Merlot, a wine made wholly in the underwater city of Rapture. The drink restores your health while reducing your ability to use genetic modifications to throw lightning and hypnotize psychos in dive suits... just like in real life.
The drink may sound tame compared to some of the others we've listed, but here are a couple of caveats: 1.The games take place in the '50s and '60s, so we are dealing with people who knew how to freakin' drink. 2. The whole industry of Rapture is built around products that completely rewrite DNA to give you fantastic powers. Then, those people made wine. God only knows what's in it, but we wouldn't be surprised if a couple of glasses could make you fly and piss lasers.
There is an Arcadian Merlot, though no mutations have yet been linked to it. However, bottles of the fictional Arcadian Merlot containing posters were scattered on beaches around the world to advertise BioShock 2.