Film and TV

4 Horrifying Interpretations of Children's Shows Part 2

Last year around this time, I decided to share with you the absolutely terrifying conclusions I had drawn from being forced to watch children's programming with my one-year-old daughter every day. Well, here we are with her quite a bit bigger, but no less in love with the folks on Sprout and Nick Jr. While she maintains a fondness for almost all of the programming available, she has a new crop of favorites that I'm being Clockwork Oranged into experiencing, and once again the wheels of my madness are turning.

So pull up a chair and pull down your pants because I'm about to steal the innocence of all that you previously considered sweet and good. Here's what Psycho Dad thinks is really going on.

Jack's Big Music Show

Jack's Big Music Show rocks. Especially because it features the single hottest woman in children's television as a regular guest. You know there's a just god in the world when he makes a genie so banging that rubbing her lamp would actually be what I wished for. I digress.

Each episode features Jack, his dog Mel and his best friend Mary playing songs, meeting wacky characters and learning lessons. It would be awesome if there was any doubt that it wasn't the painfully desperate fantasy world of an over-managed child.

See, each episode opens with Jack running out the back door while his mom calls out to not be gone long as they have to leave soon for a scheduled activity...and it changes every show. Hopscotch lessons, toboggan lessons, boomerang class (Okay, that one sounds awesome), and a host of other activities that either Jack continually quits out of frustration or, even worse, is forced by his type-A mom into participating in simultaneously.

Think about it...there's nothing odd about Mel being out in the playhouse, I guess, but Mary is always there, too. She just appears and instantly joins in. Either she lives in the clubhouse, or she's not real. I'm going with the latter, as Jack's high-strung behavior seems like a tell-tale sign of severe overwork heaped upon him by his deranged soccer mom.

Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends

Miss Spider's Sunny Patch is already a little weird to watch considering the main character was voiced by Mrs. Up-The-Butt, and that makes the whole thing a little non-consensual for me when my daughter is watching it. However, that's not the creepy bit.

Miss Spider and her husband have something like six kids, and three of them are insects. That is in and of itself odd, kind of like if I read a chicken a bedtime story and then deep-fry its relatives for dinner. The disturbing part comes from whenever one of the bugs asks the pretty obvious question of where they come from seeing as they aren't, you know, spiders.

Miss Spider explains that she "finds" them as orphans and raises them. That sounds sweet, but the show makes it pretty clear that the Sunny Patch community rallies pretty well when somebody goes missing. Surely a lost baby would've been found quickly. I think the more logical explanation is that Miss Spider is suffering from mental illness brought on by secondary infertility.

Trust me, I know how crazy going through infertility is. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It doesn't seem too far-fetched that in her desperation to continue to have children, Miss Spider is actually kidnapping these baby bugs and raising them as her own. Possibly she just takes them since spiders are the biggest and strongest creatures in Sunny Patch.

After all, Bounce apparently just wandered away from home and Dragon fell into a river. Rather than find these children's homes, she just keeps them. This is why I put a chip in my daughter.

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Jef Rouner (not cis, he/him) is a contributing writer who covers politics, pop culture, social justice, video games, and online behavior. He is often a professional annoyance to the ignorant and hurtful.
Contact: Jef Rouner