Random Ephemera

4 Most Ridiculous Groups Waging a War on Halloween

We've all been told there is a war on Christmas, and if there is it would be perfectly understandable. After all, the last thing we saw increasingly annexing this much territory every year was Nazi Germany. I'm not trying to compare a holiday to the Holocaust or anything, just that November and now October have fallen to Santa like Poland and France fell to Hitler.

All horribly inappropriate humor aside, Christmas is safe. In part I'm sure from all those brave souls who risk their lives urging us to keep Christ in Christmas from the bumpers of their Kias. It's Halloween that is now under attack from all sides, and I do mean all sides. The beloved American tradition descended from various pagan rites has always had its detractors, of course, but in recent years they've branched into social media to try and take their assault on the Pumpkin King viral.

Today we expose those parties. Not because they are any kind of an actual threat. Protecting Halloween motivated the candy industry to alter time itself in a way the Doctor would've been edgy trying. No, we're just here to laugh at them.

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Jef Rouner is a contributing writer who covers politics, pop culture, social justice, video games, and online behavior. He is often a professional annoyance to the ignorant and hurtful.
Contact: Jef Rouner