5 Bizarre, But Awesome, Christian Children's Products

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When you grow up in a house devoid of religion you turn out...well, click the author's link and you'll see how you turn out. Some people think you are free of delusions and dogma, others consider you devoid of an important moral core. We couldn't tell you which is true, or both, or neither. In an America where 78 percent of the people identify as Christians, Jesus is just another dude to us.

That being said, devout Christian parents really know how to bring God into their kids' lives, and sometimes we think the greatest thing we missed out on was the God-endorsed loot. Don't try and pretend you don't want...

Armor of God Pajamas

Some parents give their children teddy bears to keep away the night terrors, some sing them to sleep, but these parents arm their little ones in crusader gear in order to sword-whip the nightmare imps back into their fiery little dimension. The idea comes from a passage in Ephesians, part of which reads, "Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes," which is a pretty kickass, "This is SPARTA!" way of saying goodnight to your kids.

Sadly, these do not come in adult sizes, which means we can't have a little Christian Knight meets the sexy Pagan Witch roleplay.

Christian Pirate Ministry Soundtrack

Von R. Saum lost a leg and a hand in a motorcycle accident at the tender age of 17. It would've gotten most of us pretty depressed, but Saum has God, and God has plans. Wacky plans. Wacky pirate plans. He christened himself Capt. Hook, and proceeded to start a ministry involving pirate tunes to teach children lessons from the Bible, along with his puppet sidekick Sharkey.

We didn't make a single bit of that up, and you can listen to the whole thing right here. If you happened to catch any of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies at Alamo Drafthouse, the good Capt. got play in the preshow reels, and was still a more convincing pirate than Keira Knightley.

The Sneaker Bible

Okay, we don't have a picture of this, and hours of searching on the Internet has proven futile. However, the Half Price Books in Montrose backed us up that these really existed (and were sold there), so we feel comfortable in including it.

The Sneaker Bible is a Bible shaped like a sneaker, specifically a Converse Sneaker. In the name of Cthulhu, what in the hell was the mind-set that birthed it? Was it one of those "Shape the Bible like another object so you won't get made fun of by the mean atheist if they see it in your bag" deals? Was it, kids like shoes, kids like God, ergo God Shoes! Meeting adjourned!

We'll never know, because apparently there is no more Sneaker Bible. We'll keep you posted if a vision of it is spotted burned into a bag of tater tots.

God's Girlz

Christian knockoffs have been around forever, and every single one of them is special in its own eerie-resemblance-to-the-historical-cannibalism-of-other-religions way. Take, for instance, Sarah of the God's Girlz line. She's pretty clearly a rip-off of the Bratz dolls, which breaks a commandment and makes no sense and makes you want to hurt yourself until the bad doll goes away.

The box informs us that Sarah means "princess" (it's close enough), and that she really is a princess because her father is the King of Kings, and that she loves dancing and praising God. Each doll in the line sports a Kerusso T-shirts, which is what you wear when you want to tell everyone that not only are you into Christ, but that you're also a raving douchenozzle with little imagination.

We really want to get one of God's Girlz, learn how to film stop-motion short films, and make a movie starring Sarah and the Monster High dolls. Yes, we're a very bad person. Faced, embraced it, trademarked it.

Unlicensed Christian NES Games

At one point Nintendo barred any and all references to religion of any kind in its games, something that once you learned it makes a whole lot of early Final Fantasy games less insane. Nevertheless, companies like Wisdom Tree made cartridges for NES, SNES and Genesis that were as unlicensed as a 14-year-old blind person. Nintendo almost forced them out of business by blacklisting any retailer that sold their unlicensed product, which got them to switch to Mario-themed Bible adventure games in order to infiltrate the Christian bookstore market that didn't sell video games otherwise, and were thus immune to Nintendo's pressure.

By all accounts, the games were pretty terrible, especially their rip-off of Wolfenstein 3-D that they turned into a Noah's Ark game. No, we're not explaining it; it's more fun watching you guess. Still, the whole thing is kind of neat when you consider that a company broke copyright laws, bypassed Nintendo technology and redressed popular entertainment properties just to get you to read a few bits of scripture in between hurling fruit at enemies. That's faith at work.

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