5 Creepiest Quotes From Craigslist Houston M4W Ads

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One of my more deplorable habits is that I like to troll Craigslist ads looking for the worst of humanity. I started doing it back when I ran a column that looked for weird band advertisements, but like all junkies I started hitting the hard stuff over in the Men for Women classified. There the finest freaks in Houston put all their psychosis in print for the world to see, and today we're going to look at the ones that made me throw up in my mouth a little.

"I can breath through my ears :)" That's actually the dude's headline, which is weird because I can't think of a single instance this impossible feat would come in handy outside of a Jigsaw trap. The rest of his approach is pretty normal, but think about how you would react if someone just dropped this line on you in the grocery store. There's no way the next sentence isn't "And through the wind I taste a fresh kill."

"'Like my Mother used to say' I admit playfully. 'Thank you for inviting me. I had a nice time.'" This quote comes at the end of a looooong, and very explicit erotic short story that serves as this dude's ad. Basically, he's telling you that while you're home masturbating you can phone him and he'll come finish the job, though in my experience a person that can't figure out commas won't be much use figuring out the mechanics of an orgasm.

More importantly than that... never, EVER mention your mom right after sex. Or their mom. Or anyone's mom. Just don't.

"If we are at the mall and I grab her hair and push her in the dressing room against the wall hike up her skirt and start making out she grinds into me and begs for more." Dude, if I see you grab a girl by the hair and drag her into the dressing room in a Hot Topic I'm calling the guy with the Segway and watching him go Suburban Commando on your ass. I get that you're trying to pull the whole Christian Grey thing, but there's a limit. Also, when you end your ad with the keyword "stepford" you are basically saying that you want a sex robot that also does dishes. Relax, the Japanese are working on it, OK?

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"I just want to sex you up like George Michael, Rick James, and Fabio had a threesome resulting in a gay baby . . . that was subsequently taught how to ninja vogue disco dance." I've actually said this sort of thing to a girl before... of course, it was because we were deliberately trying to come up with the perfect line to get a face full of Mace for using it so I'm not sure that it's a good example. This dude is a trip to nowhere fun. In addition to using the picture above to try and snare a lady love (Think of me when you think of erect cat penises baby), he goes on to Opposite Day all his requirements.

My favorite of those is "willing to dress up as My Little Pony characters and be seen in public (jaykay)". Look, man, Craigslist is where you go to find people willing to dress up like MLP characters in public when you aren't jaykaying. I get that you're trying to be the "wacky" one, but there was a reason Screech never ended up with the girl in Saved By the Bell.

"What I'm looking for is a lady to live with me and keep up with the cleaning. And of course someone that I can come home to cuddle with when I come home at night." There's this whole category of guys on Craigslist that seem to have confused the concept of slavery with a relationship. This dude is the most glaring example, but there's also this guy who apparently is really into the idea of trying to live the Don Draper lifestyle where you get to bounce the secretary on your lap.

Ladies, take my advice. When a man wants to control both your employment and your sex life, then that is not a man comfortable letting you out of the house with shoes on. There's plenty of healthy, professional BDSM providers that will be happy to play naughty boss with you if that's your thing, but go home afterward.

Jef has a new story, a tale of headless strippers and The Rolling Stones, available now in Broken Mirrors, Fractured Minds. You can also connect with him on Facebook.

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