Hugh Jackman's Wolverine, and I mean this with the utmost sincerity, is almost complete unique in the realm of cinema. No matter how bad a film he is in, be it the third X-Men flick or his first spin-off film, you never for a second doubt Jackman's portrayal as Wolverine. You recognize the crappy scripts the stupid stories, but Jackman himself is almost immune to any criticism because he is the best option for Wolverine since Danzig porked up despite being otherwise a Broadway star.
The only, and I mean the only, other example I can find to compare Jackman to is Christopher Lee as Dracula. No one ever questioned the more flawed of the Hammer Dracula flicks because Christopher Lee is more badass as than any ten people you know. Jackman's Wolverine has that kind of cache.
So I dug into comic history to find the five things that Wolverine has been stuck with over the years to see if there was anything so ridiculous that even Jackman couldn't sell it to an American movie-going public. I found five things. C'mon Hollywood, I dare you...
Wolverine is Really a Wolverine: Now, mutants are already the world's laziest origin story. It's basically Superman without bothering to put a baby in a rocketship, and here at the University With One F we do not grade incomplete work.
Yet Wolverine's first appearance wasn't as a mutant, but in a feature with the Hulk and Wendigo. Co-creator Len Wein stated that Wolverine was supposed to be a mutated wolverine cub with claws in his gloves whose humanoid form was the work of the High Evolutionary. This has since been ignored, as has...
Wolverine is Part of a Race of Dog People: Jeph Loeb is... well, he's an idiot. OK, not really, he's brilliant, but they allow him way too much power of iconic characters. Consider his run on Wolverine.
In Loeb's retcon Logan and Sabertooth are not mutants, but rather part of a long line of dog and cat people respectively. Never mind that the wolverine is more closely related to the weasel than the dog, but whatever. Loeb also introduced the idea that the Weapon X project was all in Logan's head, and we've all rightfully pretended it's never happened since then.
Wolverine Was Briefly Australian: Wolverine is Canada's shining comic moment. They have Deadpool too, though that's a mixed blessing at most. Whereas Americans can point to Batman our nation's hat can play the Wolverine card and the best we end up with is the most awesome crossover character of all time.
Yet until I was well into my teens I thought Wolverine was Australian because I first met the character in the video release of Pryde of the X-Men. Wolverine was recast from Canadian to Australian because, and I'm not making this up, Australian stuff like Mad Max was popular at the time. The fact that the Australian Jackman plays Wolverine with a Canadian accent just blows my mind. I would pay could money to own a copy of Pryde overdubbed by Jackman as Wolverine using his movie accent.
He Stole His Costume From a Dead Guy: In addition to the fact that he has the most ridiculous haircut this side of Green Arrow, Wolverine's costume is somewhat stupid. We mostly know him in the yellow and blue, but his earlier appearances feature yellow and brown. I have an action figure in a box somewhere sporting this get up.
Know how he got it? He straight off lifted it from some Shi'ar guard he killed, a guy named Fang. Later, Fang was infected by the Brood, and Wolverine got to kill him twice.
Wolverine Tried to Screw Spider-Man's Girlfriend: For a brief time Wolverine and Spider-Man ended up in each other's bodies. No, I'm not explaining that. It's a comic book. If you need that explained to you then I can't help you.
So there's Peter Parker, hilariously stabbing himself with claws. Meanwhile, Logan is 15 and immediately begins trying to lay web in Mary Jane Watson. Bear in mind that Watson is still in high school at this point, whereas Logan has been alive since the beginning of the 19th century. That sort of thing is all right if you're a Twilight fan, but here on Geek Mountain we frown on crap like that.
The good news, if you're not a horrible person, is that Logan didn't manage to snikt he way into MJ's cave of wonders. He tried though. Of course, he does have that fascination with taken redheads...
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