5 Most Insulting "Alternative Medicine" Products [UPDATED]

Correction 6 p.m. August 21, 2015: We misunderstood some of the Health Wyze concerns about cancer-causing agents. Please see the correction noted in the copy. 

I will never understand how so many of my friends can state with absolute conviction that all the world's doctors, pharmaceutical companies, and governments are simply out to take you for every penny they can no matter the risk... then in the next breath show me a link to some quack's website selling the "real cure THEY don't want you to know about."

Look, I'm not arguing that wide swaths of the medical industry doesn't contain greedy vampires who would happily schedule an unnecessary MRI if they think they can get Blue Cross Blue Shield to pay for it. That said, at least those people, including the people that make things like vaccines and chemotherapy, use science.

These folks, on the other hand, are happy to sell you a cure using pretty much any invisible force that they can, up to and especially fear.

Holy Harmony Perfect Circle of Sound Tuning Forks: Brief bit of advice, science in general doesn't refer to things as holy, so there's your first red flag. These tuning forks are part of an idea by Leonard Horowitz, a man convinced that HIV is a government invention, and who once claimed he could teach people to walk on water using the Bible (I'm pretty sure after 2,000 years someone would have cracked that code by now if possible).

For just $189.99 you can buy Horowitz's complete set of tuning forks. The site says, "When sounded individually or with each other, these tuning forks create powerful frequencies for health and balance. When sounded around the body, many people report profound healing and prayerful meditation experiences." Horowitz is obsessed with the idea that the Illuminati developed a sinister frequency in 1939 that has caused most of the world's wars and illness, and that using his magic tuning forks (Available in for about $7 on Amazon) will undo the damage.

Q-Link Clear: What is Q-Link Clear? Well, you probably didn't know this because it's, you know, not true, but the microwaves, radio waves, and other energy flying around in the air are cooking your brain from the inside. No really, "electro-smog" is all around you causing stress, fatigue, and significantly reducing your chess game according to the people who have bought the pendants for $24.95.

For a magic amulet it's a steal. It doesn't require batteries because a copper coil wrapped around the device picks up electricity from your heart beat... though when some skeptics broke one open they discovered the copper wasn't even connected to the sciency-looking circuit board so it wasn't powering a damned thing. In fact, nothing in the pendants is connected to anything else, which does explain the inventor's assertion that the Q-Link does not use electronics components "in a conventional electronic way."

Piece continues on next page.

Health Wyze Colloidal Copper Lotion: There is a fair amount of not-science that states that humans suffer from more mineral deficiencies these days, which is probably not true, and that the solution is to rub colloidal copper onto our bodies as a way to absorb more minerals. It can't be just any copper of course, because Health Wyze states that causes cancer. *

Luckily, they sell a safe alternative. How do they make their copper safer than any other? By waving a magic electro-wand over it. No really, that's how they turn cancer lotion into not cancer lotion. By the way, one of the stated ingredients, copper hydroxide, actually causes skin irritation. Good thing you've got this big $19.95 bottle of lotion to treat it with.

Magnetic Mattress Pad: Even better than sound waves is magnetism on the invisible quack meter of bullshit cures. These mattresses are full of the finest Bio-North-facing disc magnets, whatever the hell that means, and are so sure to work that the California Attorney General sued mattress manufacturer European Health Concepts, Inc. for claiming that they helped alleviate everything from fibromyalgia, lupus, sciatica, herniated discs, asthma, bronchitis, cataracts, chronic fatigue syndrome, colitis, diverticulitis, heart disease, multiple sclerosis, and more than 50 other health conditions.

Which is probably why this charming disclaimer appears on the link above... right before a Dr. Ron Lawrence goes on to tell you that yes, the mattresses totally make fibromyalgia better. They don't though, because magnets are not magic no matter how close alike those words sound when you're saying them drunk. Most magnetic products, including the mattresses aren't even capable of altering the body's magnetic field below skin deep anyway. Probably still worth as much as $600, though, right?

Cancer is Serious Business DVD: More than electro-wands, magnets, sound waves and every other force combined is that of fear. The oldest, cheapest, and easiest way in the world to control someone is through fear, so if you want to know who is most controlled look for who is most afraid. Houston's own Stanislaw Burzynski is a fine producer of fear, as well as a completely ineffectual cancer treatment that shrinks bank accounts instead of tumors which has the nasty habit of killing people.

Now, as yet fear doesn't come in pill form (Unlike Burzynski's patented antineoplastons), but it does come as a moving picture, and that's why Eric Merola made a movie about this brave maverick (Love how that word sort of rhymes with quack) who is under constant persecution from federal authorities who refuse to clear his work as a cancer treatment because they want to keep all that sweet, sweet cancer money for themselves. Seriously, that's more or less the premise, that the elite in the world suppress Burzynski's work because that cancer cash train is just to fun to ride.

In keeping with the scam thing, the movie costs roughly double what a normal movie does, and at least infinity-plus-one times what it's worth considering that buying a scare-mercial is worth exactly zero money. To you, I mean. It's worth a fortune to Burzynski if you buy it.

* Correction Health Wyze states that aluminum, not copper, in commercial lotions has been linked to cancer. They link copper peptides only to skin damage. Also, though the mention of a “magic electro-wand” was intended to be humorously hyperbolic, Sarah Corriher of Health Wyze asked us to clarify that their formula involves cathode anode electrolysis.

Jef has a new story, a tale of headless strippers and The Rolling Stones, available now in Broken Mirrors, Fractured Minds. You can also connect with him on Facebook.

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