Random Ephemera

5 Most Insulting "Alternative Medicine" Products [UPDATED]

Correction 6 p.m. August 21, 2015: We misunderstood some of the Health Wyze concerns about cancer-causing agents. Please see the correction noted in the copy. 

I will never understand how so many of my friends can state with absolute conviction that all the world's doctors, pharmaceutical companies, and governments are simply out to take you for every penny they can no matter the risk... then in the next breath show me a link to some quack's website selling the "real cure THEY don't want you to know about."

Look, I'm not arguing that wide swaths of the medical industry doesn't contain greedy vampires who would happily schedule an unnecessary MRI if they think they can get Blue Cross Blue Shield to pay for it. That said, at least those people, including the people that make things like vaccines and chemotherapy, use science.

These folks, on the other hand, are happy to sell you a cure using pretty much any invisible force that they can, up to and especially fear.

Holy Harmony Perfect Circle of Sound Tuning Forks: Brief bit of advice, science in general doesn't refer to things as holy, so there's your first red flag. These tuning forks are part of an idea by Leonard Horowitz, a man convinced that HIV is a government invention, and who once claimed he could teach people to walk on water using the Bible (I'm pretty sure after 2,000 years someone would have cracked that code by now if possible).

For just $189.99 you can buy Horowitz's complete set of tuning forks. The site says, "When sounded individually or with each other, these tuning forks create powerful frequencies for health and balance. When sounded around the body, many people report profound healing and prayerful meditation experiences." Horowitz is obsessed with the idea that the Illuminati developed a sinister frequency in 1939 that has caused most of the world's wars and illness, and that using his magic tuning forks (Available in for about $7 on Amazon) will undo the damage.

Q-Link Clear: What is Q-Link Clear? Well, you probably didn't know this because it's, you know, not true, but the microwaves, radio waves, and other energy flying around in the air are cooking your brain from the inside. No really, "electro-smog" is all around you causing stress, fatigue, and significantly reducing your chess game according to the people who have bought the pendants for $24.95.

For a magic amulet it's a steal. It doesn't require batteries because a copper coil wrapped around the device picks up electricity from your heart beat... though when some skeptics broke one open they discovered the copper wasn't even connected to the sciency-looking circuit board so it wasn't powering a damned thing. In fact, nothing in the pendants is connected to anything else, which does explain the inventor's assertion that the Q-Link does not use electronics components "in a conventional electronic way."

Piece continues on next page.

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Jef Rouner (not cis, he/him) is a contributing writer who covers politics, pop culture, social justice, video games, and online behavior. He is often a professional annoyance to the ignorant and hurtful.
Contact: Jef Rouner