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5 of Superman's Powers You Won't See in Man of Steel

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When people think of a superhero, they think of Superman. Oh, they may have another favorite like Spider-Man or Batman or even Matter-Eater Lad if you're insane, but Superman is just quintessentially the guy comic books are made of.

Part of it is his humility, uber-Americanism, and classic look. More of it is that he has all the powers that anyone person could want with absolutely no drawbacks. He can fly, he's super strong, he's damn near invincible, he shoot eye lasers, and he can even see through solid objects. This makes him objectively better than not only most superheroes, but also most deities in the world's religions.

But see... writers are lazy, and whenever they felt the need to resolve a story and flying and punching and lifting things wouldn't do they would just add powers to Supes. Eventually he became a collection of the most completely random, and stupid, abilities you could ever imagine. Lest they be forgotten in the wake of an excellent-looking new movie, here are the dumbest.

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Tornado Eating: Superman's super breath is a pretty standard is lesser-used power. He can blow with tremendous force, and if he does it fast enough can also super-cool people and objects to the point of freezing. At one point in the '70s he proved he could suck as well as blow when he inhaled a tornado threatening a small town. He then flew around with a comically distended chest until he could exhale it safely out in space because that is totally how tornadoes work.

Shapeshifting: The logic behind Superman's ability to maintain a secret identity actually makes perfect sense. He doesn't wear a mask, so why would people even assume that he wasn't Superman all the time anyway? No one suspects Clark Kent of being anything other than a guy that kind of looks like Superman because no one realizes that Superman has a day job. Nonetheless, at several points Supes has needed to go incognito and apparently the writers just made him a shapeshifter because they were tired and wanted to go home.Flashback Pop Rocks: Admit It, the New Man of Steel Trailer Is Pretty Badass

Super Ventriloquism: Superman's eyes are super, his ears are super, his skin is super, even his nose is super. Is his voice super? Yes indeedy. For reasons completely unknown Superman can not only perfectly throw his voice great distances, he can mimic the voice of anyone he chooses. Oh, and Krypto the Super Dog can do it, as well

Amnesiac Kisses: it's not just the comics that have added to Superman's powers of the years. Richard Donner's first two Superman movies did their fair share of damage. I honestly don't know what anyone sees in the damned things. Between turning back time in a method that A) Would not work, and B) Kill everyone on Earth in the first film and hurling his stupid S-symbol like Captain America's shield in the second there's more stupid in those flicks than in, well... I was going to say Superman Returns, but no, lifting a continent of kryptonite and fathering a half-human child is still slightly dumber.

Among those sins was the amnesiac kiss Clark Kent gives Lois Lane to make her forget he's Superman. Really guys? That's the best you could come up with? Hell, even Scooby Doo would use the old bump-em-on-the-head trick, and that's at little plausible. Gosh, what happens when Superman has sex with a woman? Will he screw away Lois' bachelor's degree?

Mega-Homosexuality: Technically this isn't a power, it's a weakness. And I don't mean that as in being gay is a weakness. I mean it's caused by Superman's famous inability to withstand kryptonite.

There are actually many types of kryptonite. Green kryptonite is poisonous to Superman, gold kryptonite removes superhuman powers, black kryptonite splits personalities, and so on. However, there is also a pink kryptonite which temporarily turns straight male kryptonians into gay male kryptonians.

It only appeared in a single issue of Supergirl, and while under its effects Supes started hitting on Jimmy Olsen, commenting on the décor, and just in general behaving as every gay stereotype you can think of. Believe it or not, this wasn't some weird throwback, this was 2003!

The novelization of Superman Returns helped that story not suck as much, as novelizations sometimes do. Also, have you ever wondered how neo-Nazis view the Man of Steel?

Jef With One F is a recovering rock star taking it one day at a time. You can read about his adventures in The Bible Spelled Backwards or connect with him on Facebook.

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