Kids

The 5 Dumbest NextDoor Halloween Complaints

The theme at my house this year was giant spiders.
The theme at my house this year was giant spiders. Photo by Jef Rouner
I’m not even sure why I have the NextDoor app. After all, in this line of work the racists usually come directly to me without me. Still, it’s always fun to check in following Halloween to see what the neighborhood is complaining about.

To be fair, the vast majority of people on NextDoor (at least around me) find the post-Halloween whinge threads a waste of time. That said, here are some very dumb complaints that regularly pop up.

“The poor kids came to our neighborhood.”

Since the poor do not actually have any physically defining characteristics and everyone trick ‘r treating has some kind of a bindle, I am forced to assume that these kids are being identified by their non-white skin color. This nonsense has always pissed me off. Are we bloody mountain lions defending a territory? Personally, I think it’s cool someone would embark on a small pilgrimage to see my Halloween decorations and partake in the old rituals. It’s not like you were handing out mini-Whitman samplers and crisp twenty-dollar bills. Maybe when this is over you can fold all the leftover candy wrappers into a little bridge so you can get over yourself.

“The children were wild/rude/rebellious.”

I think that people forget that the whole reason trick ‘r treating exists is to bribe kids into not being complete monsters on Halloween. Before the practice went mainstream, the night was mostly known for sawing telephone poles down and theft. It’s way better now, but it’s still a thing where kids get to prowl the dark, and they act accordingly. So, yeah, they may traipse through your grass, hoot and holler, and forget their manners when they come to the door. I can’t stress this enough: Halloween belongs to them. We are appeasing them. If you are here to hand out etiquette lessons, then just turn off your light.

“They took too much candy.”

I don’t really like to open the door on Halloween myself because it involves going up and down stairs and all my bad life choices are starting to set up shop in my knees. So, like a lot of people, I put out a bowl of candy on a card table and spend the night watching horror flicks. Sometimes kids take a double handful instead of just one. That’s annoying, but it’s also all on us. If we don’t want to do the handout, we can’t control the flow. It’s that simple. Buy extra to restock and consider it a tax on being lazy. Also, I know that it’s annoying when a kid steals the bowl, but that’s why you should buy the cheap holiday ones from your grocery store for two dollars.

“Back in my day, costumes were…”

No one cares. Literally. I asked every person on Earth and not a single one of them was interested in your opinion on how costumes have devolved since you were a kid. I’m just old enough to remember when Halloween costumes were often just plastic sacks and masks that outright told people you were Frankenstein rather than making you look like Frankenstein, so I’m assuming this attitude is boomers recalling things they saw on TV as actual memories. This is not a contest. If a kid wants to put on an open button-down over a T-shirt and say they’re a member of BTS, fine.

“They were too old to trick ‘r treat.”

They’re also too young to have to live through a plague prolonged by stupidity, but here we are. This complaint never had any legs before, but it sure doesn’t now. So much of our children’s lives have been irreversibly damaged over the last two years. If a teenager wants to put on fairy wings and scrounge for candy, let them. They’ve earned it. Luckily, most people seem to have finally gotten over this one. At least to judge by the number of Mr. Goodbars I got handed for my swag Santa Jaws costume.
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Jef Rouner is a contributing writer who covers politics, pop culture, social justice, video games, and online behavior. He is often a professional annoyance to the ignorant and hurtful.
Contact: Jef Rouner