Random Ephemera

5 Signs You Might Be a Facebook Creeper.

Social networking sites like Facebook are amazing when you consider how conveniently they allow people who live all over the world to interact with one another. Some people keep their circle of friends pretty small, using it mostly to keep up with family and others they know well offline. And other folks take the opposite route, maintaining an enormous list of friends, acquaintances, and folks they don't really know at all. Most people who've been on Facebook awhile have had a few people who they don't know send them a friend request, and while accepting can often lead to a rewarding online friendship, it can often open the doors to a different kind of experience. For as almost anyone can tell you, Facebook is teaming with people some consider to be "creepers".

It's sad but true, in our interactions in the offline world we've all encountered people who if they're not actually dangerous, manage to exhibit behaviors that seem inappropriate, and there are plenty of those online, particularly if you're female (Source: Almost all of my close female friends). However, for those folks who aspire to become famous as a slimy weirdo, there are a few well established strategies that will improve your creeper game on Facebook and other online forums.

5. Send a Friend Request, Then Immediately Start to Add All of That Person's Friends.

As an initial alarming gesture, as soon as a person accepts your friend request, start to add all the other people he or she is friends with! This is especially effective if you didn't share any mutual friends with the other person to begin with, because once they realize you've reached out to half the people they know, they'll really begin to worry. They'll appreciate the truly scary way you've inserted yourself into their lives, and your creeper career will be off to a great start!

4. Start "Liking" Old Photos. Especially "Sexy" Ones.

Nothing says "I'm an alarming weirdo" quite as much as "liking" a bunch of photos your new Facebook friend posted three years previously. If he or she was a little hesitant to accept your friend request, this strategy will fully solidify that person's fears. Why leave any question as to your true motives? Just make it clear from the get-go that you're rifling through your friend's photos and taking the time to like a whole bunch you friend had probably forgotten were even there. When possible, intensify the revulsion they're beginning to feel for you, and the sense of regret that they ever accepted your request, by specifically targeting any photos that might be considered even slightly sexy. Making that extra effort to like a woman's bikini photos from three years ago, or the Halloween shots where she was dressed like a "Sexy hotdog" back in 2010, will quickly elevate your status from "Guy she doesn't really know yet" to "Guy that's really creeping her out". Why wait? Be sure to do this the same day she accepted your friend request.

3. Comment on Every Status Update. Inappropriately if Possible.

To really get your creeper game in high gear, try to comment on every status update your new friend posts, and try to craft those comments into "Inappropriate Gold" by inserting as many sexual innuendos as possible. At first it may prove difficult to come up with new ways to make dick jokes or to steer the conversation to her boobs, but with perseverance, you'll be alienating people and reaching true creeper status in no time! If your new friend's personal information isn't freely given, just ask! What's she got to hide anyway? Has she ever done any nude modeling? You'll never know if you don't ask her!

2. Become a "Doll Collector."

So what's a "doll collector," anyway? No, you don't have to collect old dolls to be a good creeper, but if you have a bunch of scary-looking ones lying around, by all means post photos of them frequently. For the purposes of a great Facebook creeper, a "doll collector" is a guy who cruises social networking sites solely to pick up women. If you're a dude whose intention is to look thoroughly yucky, try to fill out your friend list with as many women as possible. Who cares if you don't really know any of them? Load that thing up with as many fetish models, female cosplayers and other women you find attractive as you can. This will undoubtably worry a lot of them, so if that's your game, go for it! Besides, one or two might not instantly block you out of revulsion or fear.

1. Start Messaging Them.

Sure, she doesn't know you, and just accepted your friend request a week ago, but there's no reason you can't take your relationship to the next level and use the Facebook messenger app to get to know your new pal a little better. It's a great way to ask for that sensitive personal information that she might not want to share publicly, and it allows a creeper to really show off his personality. A note of caution — things change quickly when it comes to online communications, and while most creepers will feel naturally compelled to send an unsolicited "getting to know you" dick pic or two, that's not a good strategy these days. Besides being disturbing as hell, sending pictures of your genitals to a woman who doesn't want them might also lead her to make fun of them. Possibly publicly. Will it completely creep out most women? That's pretty much guaranteed. In fact, youll probably move straight to her blocked list faster than she can yell "Restraining order!" Just know that sending a photo of your penis to someone who doesn't want to see it has never worked the way you want it to. So unless you intend your creeper career to be marred by humiliating episodes where your junk is viciously mocked or the cops are called, don't send those photos.

There are many ways to thoroughly horrify people you meet online, and being a creeper is an equal-opportunity experience! While this list focuses on behaviors more common to men, women can be creepers too! There are many things one can do to grow his or her reputation as a slimeball on Facebook, and these are but a few tried-and-true strategies.

On the other hand, if you're a relatively well-adjusted individual who doesn't want a whole bunch of people to think you're a gross weirdo or someone with no sense of decorum, then you should try to avoid doing these things. The world can be a scary enough place without someone adding to it by acting like a creepy person when interacting with others online. 
KEEP THE HOUSTON PRESS FREE... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Chris Lane is a contributing writer who enjoys covering art, music, pop culture, and social issues.