Sometimes you feel like a faux-Aussie accent, sometimes you don't. At I-Fest, we don't.
The theme for this year's International Festival is Australia, which means that although you may be tempted to throw on your best Croc Dundee costume and head on up, you still shouldn't come anywhere near us, especially while a while shirtless and sporting a leather vest.
No one needs to see that, ever.
And no one should be doing any of the things below, either. So if you are even close to fitting into one of these obnoxious categories at this year's I-Fest, please be aware that we will be doing our best to avoid you by any means necessary
8. Double Stroller Dude Oh, double stroller dude. You have the best of intentions, we're sure, but we're where you got the idea that any of this double stroller business was kosher for a festival. Did you not, at any point, look at that enormous baby-lugger and reconsider? Probably not, since you packed up two kids in that thing -- two kids who aren't mobile, by the way -- and then dragged the entire enormous, sticky package down to a festival, where you're now trying to push your entitled way through a massive crowd of people.
We know you heart your kids, and that's great, but they're bored and you're running over someone else's kid in the interim, since you can't see over the giant vehicle you're pushing. Not to mention that thing is like a screeching, barfing wagon of awful to anyone around you who may want to just sit there and check out the music.
7. Double Stroller Kiddos Or any kids, really. Yes, your kid is cute, and yes, it's sooooo funny when Junior runs up into the middle of the Capoeira demonstration and try to show off their own skillz, only it's really not funny and it's actually highly obnoxious.
Listen, we're all for taking your kids to whatever you want, so long as we don't have to peel their sticky hands off of me or pretend to care. So if you're anything other than the parent of one of those kiddos, you may want to avoid them at all costs. And listen, maybe you'll want to avoid them even if you're legally responsible for them, and that's fine too. We don't know, and we sure ain't judgin' ya either. Babysitters exist for a reason.
6. Groups Of Overzealous Chicks With Cameras We all know what happens when you're standing near a group of selfie-snapping women with iPhones, right? You inevitably get pulled in to take a picture or 80 of them with the stage in the background. It's always right in the middle of a decent song, too.
Listen, dears. The Wailers don't want you to take group-selfies with them as the background, and we don't want to snap them for you either. It's just wrong. All of it. So no, we will not tell you to "Say Facebook!" before we snap the photo. We're just going to back away slowly as we throw your iPhone at you in fear instead.
5. Hippies In Knit Caps It's always wise to avoid the hippies in knit caps, no matter where you are, but it's especially wise to avoid them at a festival, unless you want to spend the entire time hypothesizing on things that are way, way too meta for festivals and day-drinking. So just avoid them at all costs...unless they've got the good weed, of course.
4. The Aussie Accent-Fakers Yes, the theme is Australia, but really, there are only so many times one can pretend to think "throw another shrimp on the barbie" is cute before it becomes a major source of I-Fest contention.
We don't want to risk someone losing an eye this year over some wickedly awful rendition of an Australian accent, so just avoid anyone dressed like Mick Dundee -- or making gestures of flipping shrimp -- and you'll probably be okay.
3. The Fun-Suck They're at every festival ever, those fun-sucks, and they should be avoided at every festival, even I-Fest, for obvious reasons. Well, unless you're going to I-Fest to be miserable and/or practice your resting bitch face, that is. If you want to have fun, these folks are not the one. Not the one at all.
2. Anyone Dragging Lawn Chairs Lawn chairs are so freakin' practical. The folks who drag them around, especially at festivals with music, are also practical. They're also often quite proper, and that's no fun. If you wanna do the festival thing right, you've got to sit in the dirt like a normal person.
So if you make the mistake of hangin' out by a bunch of people sitting around in their lawn chairs at I-Fest, there's a good chance you'll hear "Down in front!!" about a thousand times because, well, dancing and all.
Planning for things like I-Fest is so overrated.
1. The Misplaced Partiers Come on, guys. It's I-Fest, not Coachella, and yes, there may be tons of alcohol for sale, and probably some weed if you hit the right stage at the right time (hint: reggae anything), but this is not Spring Break '07, fools! Peeing your pants and screaming "WhoooooOOOOOOOooooooooo!" is only entertaining to you, and perhaps security, so stop it.
Go change into your grown-up party panties and pull yourself together before you come back near us at I-Fest. The entire festival will thank you. But until that happens, we'll be doing our best to avoid you cause it is indeed at that level.
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