In case you hadn’t heard, Alex Jones, the king of all conspiracy theorists and head of Info Wars, has been booted from the largest tech platforms. Apple, Spotify, YouTube, Facebook and more have deleted his accounts with millions of followers after years of spreading hate speech, violating terms of service, sparking the harassment of mass shooting victims and other vile nonsense. With any luck Jones will be reduced to spreading his message in a bathrobe on his front lawn using a megaphone and a dry-erase board. Clearly, Santa got all my letters and I have been a very good boy.
Or IS that the real reason that Jones' dulcet tones will no longer be warning us of the global Marxists? There must be something more behind it. Here are my top ten theories about his departure the reptilian overlords will probably eat me for telling you.
10. "Alex Jones" Was a Crisis Actor
There never was an "Alex Jones." He was a paid crisis actor meant to goad the alt-left into censorship and bring about the glorious free speech revolution. Unfortunately, the easiest way to shut someone down on social media is to accurately report their profile for using a false name, and "Jones" got found out.
You can still spread complete bullshit online, of course. "Jones" even called for drag queens to be burnt alive, that savvy thespian. You just can't do it under an assumed name. The system works, y'all.
9. Emails From Hillary Clinton Were Found on His Server
Assuming that Alex Jones actually exists (there's no proof), what else could have laid the Truth Titan low in his electric grave? Did the tech masters find Hillary Clinton's missing emails on his server? I can only postulate what possible evil the two of them may have discussed. Maybe it was something as sinister as trying to sabotage Bernie Sanders' 2020 presidential run by getting the Democratic primary debate moderators to accuse the senator of putting beans in chili. Does John Podesta make cakes from store-bought mix? We'll never know now.
8. Mark Zuckerberg Wanted to Suppress Jones' MANLY SECRETS
Readers, look at your Facebook Lord, Mark Zuckerberg...
Photo by Elaine Chan and Priscilla Chan via Wikipedia
Now remove your underwear to prevent stains as Jones disrobes and tells liberals to submit...
It's a well-known fact that Alex Jones is a man who likes to sell other men manly supplements so they can all be manly together in a non-homoerotic but still totally hot way. You can't blame Zuckerberg for being intimidated. I nearly cried putting the joke together. Facebook can't handle an army of these beasts, and that's why they had to go.
7. Alex Jones Was Secretly Funded by George Soros and the Money Ran Out
As Jones often told visitors and viewers, he needed money for the Rolexes that powered his media equipment. Despite having an enormous fanbase he never stopped stopping his show in the middle to remind people to visit the Info Wars store to buy T-shirts or to just plain give him cash. That's because George Soros had to tighten the purse strings since he's paying all those protesters to stand outside the White House, and he just didn't have the extra dough to keep Jones going as a shiny distraction for conservatives to gawk at while he wiped his rich fanny with the constitution.
6. It's a Grand Fake News Martyrdom
Jones obviously knew that the hammer was going to fall sometime. That's why he threw himself on his sword in the name of Fake News. Follow the bouncing ball.
If mainstream news is fake news, and mainstream media covers Jones, who is real fake news instead of "fake" real news, then when he is silenced it is proof that the news of his news no longer being allowed to be the news is fake and, cognito ergo spud, everything he said becomes true while everything he didn't say becomes false.
Think of it like resurrection of Jesus, but on magic mushrooms.
5. The Bill Hicks Personality Regained Control
There's a theory - meaning it's true - that Bill Hicks didn't succumb to cancer in 1994. Instead, he either voluntarily left comedy to become Alex Jones, or he was brainwashed by the government into doing so in order to stop him from talking about who really killed John F. Kennedy. Jones himself denounced this because that's exactly what you would do if it were accurate.
This exit from the Info Wars mass media empire might actually be a Tyler Durden-style sabotage as the original Hicks personality attempts to re-affirm itself in the rat king that is the Jones psyche. I say we get Jennifer Lopez to dig out the old equipment from her movie The Cell so she can go retrieve one of our favorite sons. As in so many things, the fate of sanity itself rests on J'Lo shapely shoulders.
4. Donald Trump Organized the Whole Thing Because He Wants to Replace Jones
I don't actually have anything funny to add to this since it's so scarily plausible. Trump could start an Info Battle channel on YouTube tomorrow and pick up every almond, cashew and walnut Jones has dropped in his ouster.
I... I need to go hug my dog for a few minutes.
3. It's the First Stage of the New Five Nights at Freddy's Game
When you say Alex Jones in 2018 most people think Pizzagate, the bizarre idea he shared that the Democrats ran a child sex ring out of a Washington D.C. Pizzeria. Maybe you remember that dude who believed it seriously enough to take his gun to a restaurant to demand the truth.
Something always bothered me about the whole thing. I mean beyond its completely insanity. Now I get it. This is the new Five Nights at Freddy's game! Jones is the watchman, who has been sitting there this whole time trying to keep us safe. The animatronics are slowly shutting off his access to the outside world as they hunt him. Eventually it'll just be him at home with a flashlight losing power, and...
Capture from Five Nights at Freddy's 4
2. It Was Antifa
By taking Jones off the air, Antifa hopes no one will notice that they have abducted Jones and taken him to their saucer to learn about Earth politics. Later, he will be drenched in rum and dropped back on Earth so that no one will believe him when he tells the story, and the two Antifas will use the two-party system to make sure one of them is elected president.
The world isn't terrible. Maybe the heads of all these companies did finally see that Jones was a dangerous monster making the lives of the victims of tragedy miserable in the name of fame and money and they couldn't take it anymore. Maybe the internet as a whole decided that they didn't want the legacy of the internet, this magic place of information, connectivity and wonder, to be one of lies and fear.
Maybe Bill Hicks was right, and outer space awaits our presence. Maybe we are better and more unique creatures than this, and all of eternity is our playground.
Maybe the powers that be saw that Jones' poison was a needless dead weight on our possible evolution as a kind and Christlike people who can craft a world where the birds always sing and nothing ever dies. Maybe it wasn't a conspiracy or an attack on free speech, but simply the voice of truth and hope saying, "no more."
Or maybe it's Obama's secret deep state. Either way, it's a little quieter now. Let's use that silence to think for a change.
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Jef Rouner (not cis, he/him) is a contributing writer who covers politics, pop culture, social justice, video games, and online behavior. He is often a professional annoyance to the ignorant and hurtful.