Random Ephemera

Apps We'd Like to Use Before We Get Out of Bed

Yours truly was the last person on earth without a formal diagnosis of mental deficiency to get a cell phone. That was six years ago, and in that time we have upgraded only once, and that was only because we accidentally washed the thing in a load of muddy jeans. Needless to say, we don't have an iPhone... but the Wife With One F will not be standing for that much longer.

She has one, and she loves it. If she has to use our phone, she looks at it like she asked for toilet paper and we handed her a pine cone. So the day we join the iPhone nation is upon us. Frankly, we don't know what we're going to do. What are these "apps" that can apparently alter the fabric of reality at the push of a button?

We can't comment much on them yet as we have not yet been initiated into the ancient mysteries, but we do know for a fact that apps are so important that a third of smartphone users admit to using them before they even get out of bed in the morning. That's right, apps are more important than emptying your bladder.

Cue the harp music, we're already daydreaming about how these magic apps will change the way we wake up in the morning. Apps like...

END OF THE WORLD INDICATOR

Charles Schulz famously said, "Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." However, millions are worried about the end of the world, and surely iPhone can help. While you sleep, the app could track events that coincide with your particular religion's apocalypse. Rain of toads appears in France? Here's your update. Somebody predicts the Rapture this weekend? Here's the link to his website.

The app could also come with a handy checklist of things you need to prepare for the end of the world, such as your particular god's criteria in choosing the righteous and contact information for people who are offering pet adoption services for owners who may be whisked bodily to Heaven.

Of course, the first thing the app would tell you every morning is whether or not Australia has experience Armageddon. If it has, then you don't have to get up.

Is There One?: Yep. Ours is much cooler, but the basic principal is there.

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Jef Rouner (not cis, he/him) is a contributing writer who covers politics, pop culture, social justice, video games, and online behavior. He is often a professional annoyance to the ignorant and hurtful.
Contact: Jef Rouner