Yours truly was the last person on earth without a formal diagnosis of mental deficiency to get a cell phone. That was six years ago, and in that time we have upgraded only once, and that was only because we accidentally washed the thing in a load of muddy jeans. Needless to say, we don't have an iPhone... but the Wife With One F will not be standing for that much longer.
She has one, and she loves it. If she has to use our phone, she looks at it like she asked for toilet paper and we handed her a pine cone. So the day we join the iPhone nation is upon us. Frankly, we don't know what we're going to do. What are these "apps" that can apparently alter the fabric of reality at the push of a button?
We can't comment much on them yet as we have not yet been initiated into the ancient mysteries, but we do know for a fact that apps are so important that a third of smartphone users admit to using them before they even get out of bed in the morning. That's right, apps are more important than emptying your bladder.
Cue the harp music, we're already daydreaming about how these magic apps will change the way we wake up in the morning. Apps like...
END OF THE WORLD INDICATOR
Charles Schulz famously said, "Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." However, millions are worried about the end of the world, and surely iPhone can help. While you sleep, the app could track events that coincide with your particular religion's apocalypse. Rain of toads appears in France? Here's your update. Somebody predicts the Rapture this weekend? Here's the link to his website.
The app could also come with a handy checklist of things you need to prepare for the end of the world, such as your particular god's criteria in choosing the righteous and contact information for people who are offering pet adoption services for owners who may be whisked bodily to Heaven.
Of course, the first thing the app would tell you every morning is whether or not Australia has experience Armageddon. If it has, then you don't have to get up.
Is There One?: Yep. Ours is much cooler, but the basic principal is there.
I LOVE BACON
We hate to break it to you, but there is no such thing as anti-Semitism or Islamaphobia. There is only the eternal war over bacon. All kidding aside, the thought of the enormous Tupperware container full of cooked bacon just waiting to be heated up and slapped on a sandwich is one of the things that inspires the whole leaving the bed thing for us.
America needs an I Love Bacon app. It could feature an alarm that sounds like frying bacon, a mapping feature to various food establishments with bacon breakfast menu items, a coupon watching feature for bacon, and 101 delicious bacon themed recipes. The only problem is the possibility of hungover customers trying to eat their iPhones by accident.
Is There One?: Totally! The fine folks of Bacon Today were kind enough to give a loving descriptions of the iBacon app.
There is no more boring conversation in the world than having someone tell you their "crazy" dream and then ask you, what do you think it means? Well, with the Dream Interpreter you'll never have to worry about seeing that glazed look in your office mate's eyes.
Here's how it would work. You wake up, hit the button, and begin recounting your dream in as much detail as possible. You mention being naked on the mountain while three-eyed lube techs throw pickles at you. You make sure to tell them that for some reason your mother kept calling you Eater of Hope. Of course, the cheese man appeared. He always appears.
One you're done, you hit the send button and toddle off to get ready for work. By the time you're driving to work, your results are ready to be read aloud to you through a text to speech program. Now you just have to come to terms with the fact that your brother is gay and you want to go see Kanye West live more than almost anything in the whole world.
Is There One?: Nope. Oh, they have dream dictionary apps, but nothing this awesome. Besides, looking things up yourself and coming to conclusions? That sounds an awful lot like work, and iPhone is supposed to keep me from anything like work.
SUGAR DADDY/MOMMA FINDER
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On the subject of Sugar Mommas we defer to the Brown Dog Affair as we do for all things.
To be clear, yours truly already found the best woman in the world, so we're mostly dreaming about blowing all of our Texas Lotto dollars on her. However, a lot of you singles out there are lying in bed each morning thinking to yourselves, "If only I could exchange sex and affection for financial stability with a romantic partner."
Well, this app would be the ultimate path to the American dream of trading self-respect and worth for the joys of not having to get a job. Each night, the app would scour hundreds of profiles searching for either rich lonely people, or broke pretty people who aren't that picky about being treated as pets. It would all be very honest and upfront, and even kindly reinforce to all parties that seeking out a relationship on a completely parasitic basis is a viable lifestyle choice.
Is There One?: Yes indeedy... only for broke women and rich men, though. From the people who brought you SugarSugar.com, look for their official app launching June 1st.