At Art Attack it is our collective job to constantly take the pulse of pop culture and report to you our findings, however wildly insane or on-point. Or way, way off. Trends, memes, fads, they flow through our brains like that red stuff that comes out of our noses when we pick it too much. What's that called, anyways?
Who would have predicted that cherubic-looking Korean pop star would have the biggest song in the United States, if not the planet? Somehow, some way Lindsay Lohan didn't die in 2012. And damn, who would have thought that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West would begin dating and make a baby together....
Okay, we all expected that. It was just a matter of time. Like when you have two scumbag friends in your life and they make out at a party and you're like, "Fuckin' finally," and they get married and have ten kids.
But what about 2013? After all the garbage and death we waded through in 2012 -- the mass shootings, the apocalypse talk, 666 Park Avenue -- it's like a whole new year. Literally.
Honey Boo Boo Is Found to Be a 36-Year Old Dwarf
TLC comes under fire when their pint-size diva and money tree turns out to be a grown woman with a genetic disorder, and Go Go Juice was really liquid meth all along.
Perms Are Back!
In a big (wink wink) way! Perms aren't just for your mother in 1992 anymore. Everyone has them, with zero irony. Anne Hathaway! Jennifer Aniston! Followed by crunchy bangs coming back in 2014. And get set for 2015, when the ironic mullets from 2007 come back in style.
An Instagram for Words and Internet Links
Someone finally invents a site, not unlike Instagram, but for words and links, and not just pictures of sunsets and food. The site will revolutionize social media, how we get breaking news and how we talk to porn stars.
Cocoon Remake Announced
Do you realize that a proper remake of Cocoon in 2013 -- using the ages of the main actors -- would have to star Burt Reynolds, Albert Finney, Bruce Dern, Louis Gossett Jr. and Anthony Hopkins? Add to this that actor Steve Guttenberg is now three years older than Wilford Brimley was when they filmed Cocoon together in 1985.
The Late '90s Become the New '20s
Films and TV shows like The Great Gatsby and Boardwalk Empire have feted the Roaring Twenties, and the craft cocktail and burlesque movements are probably to blame, too. By the summer of '13, though, the pre-Depression decade falls out of favor with pop culture as the late '90s are romanticized in all their Pokemon-addled, swing revival, presidential blow job-bed, skinny Christina Aguilera glory. Soon hipsters are donning blink-182 shirts, drinking Surge they bought on eBay and jerking off to physical copies of Playboy.
Beards Are Shorn! Stupid Sideburns FTW!
Beards and moustaches have had their time in the sun, and now it's time for sideburns to return. Women get sick of making out with the flakes of Easy Mac in your beard and Luke Perry's old-school 90210 look becomes the new standard in fashion mags. The fall of the beard also means that the fat, pale, acne-scarred faces of American men will once again be seen, which will create a cottage industry for male facial liposuction.
Kate Upton Marries Justin Bieber
Upstin! Katieber! Biebton! Boober. The possibilities are endless, dawg. This is also seen as Bieber trying to one-up Kimye, which creates a plastic feud and more awful music.
Puppeteers Are the New Chefs and Bartenders
Or something. I woke up last night laughing and sweating and wrote this on a notepad next to my bed. Would puppets make the drinks with the help of the puppeteers? Or would there be puppet shows at bars and restaurants, like how you can see comedians and bands?
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FAIL Fails (I hope...)
Seriously. Stop saying FAIL when something that would have been utterly miraculous just two decades ago goes wrong. Facebook being down isn't a FAIL, it's a BLESSING. Amazon delivering your copy of the new James Patterson book a day late is actually hilarious. The Internet is down at your house? Call someone on the phone like it's the '40s or something.
Antonio Sabàto Jr.
He's back and he's a DILF, ladies.