Avoid the Unnecessary Hassle of a Breakup with

Do you want out of a relationship but find yourself stalling to avoid the unpleasantness surrounding a messy breakup? You're in luck. There's an app for that. Yes my friends, technology has taken another giant leap towards depravity with, a new web service complete with mobile applications that will end your relationship--and post the audio on YouTube. And we thought getting dumped via text message was bad.

The rationale behind the site is summed up in one epically long run-on sentence: "Do you want to lie your way [through] a breakup, only to leave the person vulnerable to make the same mistakes twice, or do you want to educate them on why you broke up with them, so that they can change those personality traits that drove you away?"

In the audio clip above, Melissa hires to break up with Mike because he's "horrible in the bedroom." More specifically, "[he makes] extremely weird faces and sounds like a dolphin when [he finishes]." Wow.

While ethics are certainly in question, iDUMP4U seems to have all its bases covered in the legal department. Calls are edited for private information and run through a voice-altering program to conceal identity, and YouTube clips are not posted from states that require all parties be notified when a call is being recorded (Texas is a "one-party notification" state--whoohoo, Patriot Act!) If the recently dumped takes issue with an account of their rejection being posted on the internet, all they need do is provide proof of identification and it will be taken down.

Who's doing all the dumping? iDUMP4U has only one employee: Bradley Laborman, a 35-year old social media consultant from Iowa, currently residing in New York City. For $10 Laborman will end your relationship; for $25 he'll break off an engagement; and for $50 he'll tell your spouse to take a hike. But the man personally responsible for ending over 150 relationships this year insists he's not a bad guy. The way he sees it, he's providing a service to mankind. In an interview with The Village Voice this summer he explained, "I've been in relationships, and they've ended badly usually because of some trait. If a girl says 'I only attract assholes,' maybe there's something she's doing. If you change the common denominator, maybe the relationship pattern will change. Usually in a breakup the dumper is like, 'It's not you, it's me,' and doesn't want to point out the actual issues, but I don't know the person, and if I set them off, I can just hang up."

Laborman also ended the same interview by telling the author he was single. No kidding.

KEEP THE HOUSTON PRESS FREE... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Lauren Marmaduke
Contact: Lauren Marmaduke