Catching Up With The First Two Webisodes Of Fleshlight's Searchlight Contest (sNSFW)

A few weeks back I told you about Fleshlight's Searchlight web series, a reality series that pits three porn stars against each other to become the next Fleshlight model.

To bring you up to speed (begin clutching pearls now) Fleshlight makes real-life molds of the vaginas, anuses and mouths of your favorite porn actresses in handy, tactical, portable, flashlight form for you to do whatever you want with them. Being a Fleshlight Girl is pretty lucrative, with the name recognition, promo opportunities and the fact that your fans can own an imaginary piece of you.

This past week the porn industry was rocked by the prospect of a syphilis outbreak, as a male performer was shooting scenes sans condom after concealing test documents that he had the potentially-fatal sexually-transmitted disease. The industry has shut down, and if you follow the chatter on Twitter, the talent isn't too happy. Some are thinking of even retiring because this will mean California will begin stricter industry crackdowns.

Hosted by by Fleshlight-er Jenna Haze and filmed in part on the Fleshlight Ranch near Austin, the series follows Alexis Texas, Kayden Kross and Asphyxia Noir vying for votes on the Fleshlight site. What are they doing to campaign for these votes? Well, the first two episodes show us.

Episode Two begins with a meet and greet of the contestants. Alexis Texas shows off her signature butt clap, poses on the rustic back porch of the Fleshlight Ranch and shows that she knows how to ride a swing. We learn that Texas used to attend Texas State -- minored in sociology -- and worked at local bar hang Dillinger's (now sadly closed) before she was discovered by porn site Shane's World and filmed her first scene. That would be for "Shane's World's College Amateur Tour In Texas" of course.

The rest is award-winning ass history. Asstory?

Asphyxia Noir is the "bad girl" -- every reality show needs one -- because she has tattoos and looks like the display picture on the outside of a sexy goth costume you would find at Cindi's for Halloween. She poses in leather in the Texas brush, and reminisces about her first scenes with women, before seduced to do boy-girl scenes.

"It's different! It's a penis!" she exclaims. Yes, sex with a man is much different than with a woman, that much is true. Noir is the dark horse in this race. Will her Fleshlight come in a leather pouch with a black wig?

Kayden Cross, a Sacramento, California native, seems the most aloof, withdrawn from the contest. She's also the most experienced star in the bunch. She is shown petting horses on the Fleshlight Ranch and talks of working at a riding camp as a teen, before quitting the ranch and becoming a stripper once she came of age. Why?

Because the pony ranch she was working at was going to put down a pony that they were "breaking" so they could sell him for meat. So she stripped for a night to make the money to buy the horse.

Now that we have met our contestants, it's time for theme week, where the trio gets to have their own photo shoot, picking their own scenarios and outfits.

Alexis wants to be a cowgirl because she's from Texas, so she had to instead be a sexy football player, albeit one with an award-winning ass. Weight machines, hot and sweaty dudes are the reasons she gives for going to the gym. The smiley faces covering her breasts and ass in this episode are priceless. That eye-black is working for Alexis in this round.

Of course the goth porn star wants to do a "dark" shoot, and it gives her a chance to tell us that she started fashion modeling at 17. Her Facebook describes her as a "filthy seductress who's inner whore is equalized by her passion for classic beauty and Love for the arts." Also, did this modeling begin on MySpace?

She's in some sort of Queen Bavmorda from Willow get-up with black pasties on for her shoot. I was hoping for all-American girl or a nurse to mix shit up a little, but nope.

"Inside I am so good but naturally I am evil," she states, looking into the camera.

"Modeling in general is painful because you are constantly tensing up your muscles and tensing up your legs," she complains. It's true, remember how much it sucked having to take family portraits at Kmart back in the day? Blech. Imagine being like, naked.

Kayden's shoot focuses on her being a cute bookworm, says Mr. Photog. What it looks like is a Ren Fair chick playing in a rich guy's study. The book ladder is used to her advantage, because you know...

Kayden is the most normal of the bunch actually, all business, and she seems to look at the porn business less as a vehicle to get laid or eaten out a few times a day, and more as a stepping stone to a longer career behind the scenes. She should win on pure IQ.

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Craig Hlavaty
Contact: Craig Hlavaty