Comedy Central the Book Publisher? 5 Books We Want to See

After watching Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert rake in the big bucks publishing their respective works, Comedy Central has finally had enough and is throwing its funny-hats into the book-publishing ring. The comedy-only television channel has teamed up with the Running Press to form a division of their partnership that will focus solely on books that try to make you laugh. According to certain sources, the first book to be released will be penned by the sometimes funnyman Denis Leary.

Allegedly, the publishing wing will, for the time being, release books written by prominent comedians. While for some comedians their written word is as good as their spoken, so much to stand-up comedy is personality. Can you imagine reading Mitch Hedberg's jokes? How could they be as funny as the man who spoke them?

Instead of publishing comedians' dry perspectives on the state of the world, which we are already well aware of, Comedy Central should dig into its archives and publish books by or about some of their best television characters. Whose autobiography would you rather read, Dane Cook's or Bender's from Futurama?

If anyone from Comedy Central has a Google alert out on this subject, here are the top five books Art Attack would like to see on the shelves.

The Dog Bites Man's Guide to Hard-Hitting Journalism

For those of us that fell in love with the short-lived Dog Bites Man, a resurrection in book form, and moreover as a guide to hard-edged, investigative journalism, would be a gift. This guidebook would really appeal to the budding journalists out there as well, giving pointers as to what types of stories to go after in the vain of the KHBX news team. Why take on something as big as a police chase when you can get the facts as to "what's in a muffin" or if "sneeze guards really work?" That's news right there. The Dog Bites Man team can surely share their hilarious, investigative, journalistic know-hows.

Stop Squiggling: The Ben Katz Story

Sure, Dr. Katz was the star of his own show, but it was his son Ben who stole every scene. What was his deal? Why was he such a screw-up? Was his therapist father too open and "let's talk about your feelings" for Ben to ever grow up? Why is Ben so into Laura, the receptionist, when she obviously wishes he were dead? Mommy issues? There are so many questions! Ben, write us an autobiography already. Strangers with Candy: Our Bodies, Our Selves

When Jerri Blank, the brilliant Amy Sedaris, returned to high school in Strangers with Candy, she was a 46-year-old ex-convict. That aside, she still faced the turmoil and cringe-worthy humiliation that every high school girl does. She should write a book! In the Strangers with Candy version of the book that every prepubescent girl pretended to loathe but secretly loved, women's reproduction, sexual preferences and menstrual cycle issues will be misguided and unscientific. Rather than an open-minded approach to femininity, Jerri Blank will advise women to become bulimics and embrace their inner alcoholics. It would be hilarious.

"The Headcrusher" Crushes B List Celebrities from The Kids in the Hall

Could you, pray tell, keep up an entire photography book with nothing but images of people being crushed between the forceful fingers of the "Headcrusher" character from The Kids in the Hall? I don't see why not. If many of those pictures were of people like Kim Kardashian or Ryan Seacrest being crushed, you might even have a best-seller on your hands.

A Book About Craig Kilborn

Look, I love Jon Stewart as much as the next gal, but doesn't anyone just slightly miss Craig Kilborn? For a while Kilborn was king of comedy. His version of The Daily Show did not have the same "newsy" format as it does now, but remained cutting-edge and in-your-face. Kilborn had a wonderfully mean sarcasm to him that Stewart can't have; he is just too much of a nice, Jewish boy.

I want a book about Craig Kilborn and I don't want a book written by Kilborn. I am looking for a tell-all novel about Kilborn that will finally answer the burning question many of us have had for years -- is Craig Kilborn really as big of a dick as he makes himself out to be? (This book might not be very funny, though.)

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Abby Koenig
Contact: Abby Koenig