Countdown to Armageddon: Your Trump Inauguration Drinking Game

Pete Vonder Haar
After months of denial, hand-wringing and appeals to deities of various pantheons, the Big Day is here. I’m talking about the Presidential Inauguration, and whether you’ve been listening to Fox News in the nude while giddily marking your calendar in anticipation or scrawling NO FATE in the furniture as Metallica’s “The Thing That Should Not Be” plays on a constant loop, you need to gird your loins for today’s ceremony.

And by “gird your loins,” I mean stock the hell out of your liquor cabinet.

The inauguration of Donald Trump as our 45th President will signify a number of milestones for the United States. At 70, Trump will be the oldest elected Chief Executive ever sworn in, he’ll also be the most-divorced President (congrats, evangelicals) and he’ll have the third worst hair of any Commander in Chief (behind John Quincy Adams and John Tyler).

Heady times like this call for a drink, or – more likely – a shitload. Since many of you are planning to spend the next four years in a self-induced coma anyway, why not get a head start with the Official Houston Press Inauguration Drinking Game?

You know the drill by now: If any of the following conditions occur during the televised broadcast of the Inauguration, drink the specified amount (or whatever). You’re all on the honor system, but if you try to weasel out, I’ll know (don't ask how...just stay in range of your webcams).

Trump says "Make America Great Again" >>> Take a drink of Budweiser.

Trump says "Build the wall" >>> Take a shot of Patrón.

Trump misstates the Oath of Office >>> Shotgun a can of Miller High Life while playing Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA."

Trump remarks about "fake news" >>> Drink a “Screaming Viking” (cucumber optional).

Trump makes a favorable reference to Putin/Russia >>> Take a golden shower shot of Goldschläger.

Trump makes snide comment about Jeb Bush >>> Take a sip of white wine spritzer.

Trump appears to go off script (judgment call) >>> Hit pause and go to the bathroom.

Camera shows a “Biker for Trump” >>> Take two OxyContin tablets.

Trump says "You're fired" to Hillary Clinton >>> Club self on head with remote control.

Crowd chants “Lock her up!” >>> Drink jar of toilet hooch.

Barron picks his nose
>>> Take a shot of midori.

...Then eats it
>>> Chug the bottle.

Trump’s toupee blows off >>> Sacrifice nearest human to Mictlanpachecatl, Aztec god of the north wind.

You find yourself considering a move to Canada >>> Chug a Labatt Blue.

Hillary Clinton smiles >>> Verify you are watching the current inauguration and not a recording from 2013.

Trump refers to attractiveness of wife Melania >>> Snort a line of cocaine.

Trump refers to attractiveness of daughter Ivanka >>> Snort a line of cocaine off Russian prostitute’s cleavage (RIP Bob Morton).

Trump refers to daughter Tiffany at all >>> Inject heroin between toes.

Mike Pence’s grin falters and the dread visage of Baphomet emerges
>>> Collect blood of nearest goat and pour onto makeshift altar of chicken bones and Iron Maiden albums.

Inauguration Bible turns into Necronomicon and devours First Family >>> Open that bottle of Dom you've been saving for a special occasion.
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Peter Vonder Haar writes movie reviews for the Houston Press and the occasional book. The first three novels in the "Clarke & Clarke Mysteries" - Lucky Town, Point Blank, and Empty Sky - are out now.
Contact: Pete Vonder Haar