Dallas: "He's a Man. Worse, He's a *Ewing* Man."

What the? Bobby and Christopher own Southfork's mineral rights? Marta has sworn vendetta against Elena? John Ross threatened by Venezuelans? Rebecca's pregnant? Where the hell have I been?

Oh, right...vacation. Thanks to the lovely and talented Abby Koenig for taking the reins (ranch pun) last week. We're ticking away the final few episodes of this season, and the denizens of Big D are each bracing in their own way for the coming chaos. J.R. continues to jockey for control of Southfork, a newly pregnant Rebecca attempts to reconcile with Christopher, while Bobby and Ann deal with the fallout from his attack on Harris Ryland.

As for John Ross, I believe Pvt. Gomer Pyle in Full Metal Jacket said it best, "I *am* in a world of shit."

At the outset, Christopher (Jesse Metcalf) visits Southfork's Tree of Love, apparently to give him the strength to confront John Ross (Josh Henderson), who uses basketball-related psy-ops to get inside Christopher's head. The latter is unimpressed: "Just because I'm fighting fair doesn't mean I won't fight."

Nice sentiment, but taking the high road doesn't always pay off. Just ask Rebecca (Julie Gonzalo), who shows up at the ranch to thank Elena (Jordana Brewster) for the lift to the hospital. She presents her rival for Christopher's affections with a basket from Bed Bath & Beyond, shortly before upchucking in Elena's toilet.

I know the feeling; the smell in that store always makes me nauseous.

Even someone with a master's degree in chemical engineering (or whatever it is) can put two and two together, it seems. Now Elena shares Rebecca's "horrible" secret. But what to do with it? Who should she tell?

Ann (Brenda Strong) ponders the mystery locket ex-husband Harris gave her, which -- given the context clues (she's sitting in a freaking playground) -- belonged to her (presumably deceased) daughter. Presenting that as a gift seems like kind of a mind-fucky thing to do there, Harris, and the guy further cements his asshat status by sending the cops to Southfork to arrest Bobby (Patrick Duffy) for assault. Calling the police: the last refuge of the man who got his ass kicked.

While Ann waxes nostalgic about her locket, John Ross reminisces about the first time he drank bourbon...with cousin Lucy (Charlene Tilton). His clumsy attempts to flatter her are merely to mask his need for her dad, Uncle Gary, to sign off with J.R. and break the trust. And he promises Lucy a "significant" stake in Ewing Oil if she comes through. John Ross may be his father's son, but he wears his emotions on his sleeve. Lucy could eat him alive.

Christopher laments not fighting harder for Elena. To Elena, who spills the beans about Rebecca's pregnancy. He takes the news...poorly, but goes to see Rebecca anyway, when he expresses something less than enthusiasm at the prospect of fatherhood. She throws his adoption in his face, which surprisingly turns out to be a poor tactic to win him back. He then goes to see Bobby and Ann (guess Bobby made bail). They're not much help (Ann continues to be shaken up by the locket). To make matters worse, Bobby tells Ann about beating Harris's ass, which just makes Ann even more upset.

Oh yeah, Harris (Mitch Pileggi) will drop the charges, provided Bobby apologizes. About the only good news Bobby's lawyer has for him is some as yet undisclosed dirt on Bum, J.R.'s PI. Maybe it's why he's the only guy in North America who still uses a pay phone.

John Ross takes Elena out for Shiner and spies Veronica (Leonor Varela) at the bar. Before he can chase her down, he gets a call telling him Cano (Carlos Bernard) wants a meet about the missing oil. The businessman reminds John Ross he owns the lien on Southfork after telling him (in so many words) he's in over his head. John Ross offers him a trade: Veronica (who skimmed on the sale) for another week. Cano agrees. I hate to repeat myself, but this certainly will end well.

Lucy, unfortunately, turns out to be not as pliable. Seems she and Gary are siding with Bobby (guess we won't be seeing a Ted Shackelford appearance any time soon). Bobby's out of patience with John Ross, who turns to Sue Ellen (Linda Gray). Her solution: give Cano the oil from Elena's Henderson plot. It's actually a good idea, but John Ross ends up having a rare attack of conscience.

Bum has info for J.R. on Cliff Barnes's right hand from last episode. His name is Raheed Durani, whom Cliff plucked from poverty 30 years ago and got educated back in 1982, but didn't give the keys to his kingdom. There's some leverage for J.R., and also the last of him we see this week.

Sue Ellen goes over John Ross's head to Elena, slightly twisting the Southfork situation to make it sound like her son merely needs to get his head above water. Elena is reluctant, until Sue Ellen reminds her who the sole investor in her little venture is.

Veronica steals Elena's phone and makes John Ross think she's kidnapped her, when of course she just wants protection from the Venezuelans (that sounds funny; who worries about Venezuelans?), implying Elena is in danger as well. She then admits she needs his help to get away from Cano. John Ross bails after getting Elena's phone back, just as two hit men move in. Nice knowing you before your nine-story plummet, Veronica. And oh, hey, that Hispanic couple that saw John Ross getting out of the elevator are going to make excellent future prosecution witnesses.

Bobby apologizes to Harris, but makes it clear this ain't over. Harris, in return, offers Bobby an envelope which will show "what kind of woman Ann really is." That makes Ann's knee-jerk defense of Rebecca a lot more understandable. Whatever, don't take it, Bobby. DON'T TAKE IT. Oh shit, he took it, and returns to Southfork, walking in on -- big surprise -- Ann defending Rebecca to Christopher. A phone call comes in from the doctor, but she won't give the paternity results (did I mention Rebecca took a paternity test? Well, she did) over the phone. Bobby and Christopher go in to the office. Congrats, Chris, you *are* the father. Of twins. Oh well, this changes *everything.* And Ann freaks out, going into locket mode again.

OF COURSE Bobby didn't open the envelope. Everything he needs to know about Anna is in her jawline, I think. He burns the envelope (where we see pictures of Ann with a baby girl, leading to instant speculation by a thousand Internet geniuses that Rebecca is Ann's daughter).

John Ross goes back to Southfork, and Elena, just as the cops (the same ones who arrested Bobby...I thought Dallas had more police) come to take him in for questioning about Veronica/Marta's death.

Is Rebecca really Ann's daughter? Dallas fans may remember Brenda Strong played a woman Cliff Barnes slept with in a 1987 episode. Seeing how fast and loose the showrunners are playing with history (for example, how did a penniless Cliff Barnes make it to Islamabad and adopt a kid in 1982?), but whatever, this isn't Game of Thrones. More importantly, will John Ross be able to dig himself out of the mess he's in, or will he once again need Daddy's help?

Next week: John Ross isn't cut out for jail, and Bobby gets pissed.

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