Film and TV

Dallas: "People in Texas Are Too Friendly"

Once again I am subbing for Pete in recapping/analyzing his weekly TV show roundup; this time it's Dallas. In an attempt to fill myself in on the goings-on of the primetime soap, I read and then reread Pete's various blog posts on the show. I have to say that I am more confused by Dallas than I was by Falling Skies. What in the Sam Hell is going on in the Big D?

As I am understanding, John Ross has been given control of Southfork, to the dismay of his Uncle Bobby. As the episode begins, John Ross heads over to the ranch only to find that Bobby has sicced his wife's ex-husband on operations. (Did you catch all that?) This is news to both John Ross and Bobby. Getting business taken care of by the little lady is not what Bobby was looking for. For one, it's emasculating and for two, Anne (Bobby's wife) totally did this without asking permission! What kind of proper Texan wife is that?

Cousin Christopher pays John Ross a visit and demands that he give up the dirt he has on JR, which will help return Southfork to its rightful Ewing. Sadly, John Ross says he has nothing to give Christopher, and John Ross throws the fact that he is back with Elena (Jordana Brewster) in Christopher's face.

Let's pause for a moment: Why does John Ross keep calling JR, JR and not dad? Am I missing something or isn't JR (Larry Hagman) the father of John Ross? Furthermore, I understand that John Ross's name is in fact John Ross, but how annoying is that? Can we just call him John?

Rebecca stops by to visit Christopher and Bobby bearing an old invoice that may prove the rights to Southfork are not what they appear to be. What comes with this invoice, however, is one of the worst pieces of exposition ever written by a human. Does anyway say things like, "If my read of Texas property land rights are right...?"

Christopher doesn't buy it; he is still pissed off that Rebecca sent that e-mail to break up his and Elena's relationship, which is odd in and of itself. Aren't they married (Chris and Rebecca)? Regardless, Bobby is hopeful that something will come of this new piece of evidence. Christopher is still trying to work his other angle to get back the deed to Southfork. That angle being that he has a tape of John Ross boning Marta.

Meanwhile JR is over in Vegas to find out what type of shenanigans Cliff Barnes is up to; his first guess is bringing gambling to Texas, which sounds good to me.

Not much later, we find Rebecca at a doctor's appointment at Baylor (woot woot), and who do you think helped drive her there...Elena. Are these women friends? They can't possibly like one another. Even odder still is that Rebecca tells Elena that she is free to now date Christopher, her own husband! Even odder than that is when Rebecca tells Elena she will take a cab home. So why didn't she just take a cab there then?

John Ross goes to his politician momma for help in his current predicament; he can't transport his oil, Venezuelan businessmen may kill him, but his mom says no. John Ross is about to flip the 'eff out! To add insult to injury, Marta shows up at his door and tries to convince him to side with her in her takeover of Southfork. John Ross tells her to take a long walk off a short peer.

Meanwhile, Bobby and Christopher may have just found the invoice to save Southfork!

Despite this episode becoming more and more convoluted and confusing, there is one thing that I understand for sure: John Ross is totally screwed. I think.

When Annie receives a surprise gift, we are supposed to think it's from Bobby, but it turns out to be a token of affection from her ex-husband and current helper, Harris. The gift affects Annie in an odd way, she breaks into tears, and Bobby rushes to Harris's office and does the manliest thing a husband can do when his wife's ex-husband gives her a gift that makes her cry -- Bobby slaps him like a girl!

In the end, all hell breaks loose. Christopher and Bobby have control of the oil in Southfork, Anne is harboring some love for her old flame and (TOTAL SPOILER IF THERE EVER WAS ONE) Rebecca is preggos!

I'm not sure if I understood anything of what happened during this week's broadcast of Dallas, or if I will choose to ever watch this program again, but I will say this: Jesse Metcalfe is all eyebrows.

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Abby Koenig
Contact: Abby Koenig