Have you tried going to Frankel's yet? If not, you're pretty much screwed. I mean, Halloween is only a few days away, the best stuff is probably already cleaned out and if you try going before the weekend is up, you'll be like every other asshole who waits until Christmas Eve to buy gifts for the whole family.
Luckily, we were at Walgreens the other day and noticed they've got an aisle entirely devoted to "spooky" makeup all set up. It's that magical time of year when weird girls everywhere stock up on green nail polish, black lipstick and novelty eyelashes. Our local grocery store even had costumes next to the candy in their seasonal aisle. And last weekend we scored some bad-ass glow-in-the-dark knit gloves from Target's boys aisle, already marked down to $1 (!!!), which we plan on wearing all winter long.
If you're still looking for a costume, don't fight the crowds at the party store. Check out what we found at our local Walgreens, Randalls and elsewhere.
Goth shouldn't be something that is foisted on children, it should be earned through formative years of teasing bullying at the hand of one's peers, and repeated viewings of Francis Ford Coppola's Dracula in a dark room while other children are riding bikes and eating ice cream.
Don't go out at all for Halloween, and instead scare trick-or-treaters and their parents at your front door with tales of how you can wear them without underwear, which saves on expensive laundry detergent in the long run since your wife left you for her physical therapist and you are going broke trying to at least get partial custody of the kids that may not even be yours, come to think of it.
Some dumbass is bound to have no other gloves in his possession other than these and to rob a bank with them. Also, um, Undead E.T.?
All people with tattoos have mohawks and wear corpse paint and wear lounge pants everywhere they go. Also, what's with the sleeve only going to the shoulders?
Long Hair Mask
Keep this one until Christmas time and go as Father Methmas to all the hot holiday parties. He's making a list and checking it twice while he takes apart the TV he just stole to make sure there are no spies inside it.
These flimsy nails are all fun and games until you have to fight off a drunken high school jock in the upstairs bathroom at your friend's party.
Skullteeth seem less suited for pirates than for bloodthirsty Mexican drug cartel foot soldiers who would decapitate a whole bus of softball players just to steal the bus for trafficking. But have fun with the teeth, BOO! and such and so forth.
Which is it, a clown mask or a hockey mask?
Only for the most nonthreatening suburban rapper ever. Student council treasurer, fool.
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Ten bucks says it smells just like that Mocha Axe, popcorn salt, and bleaches your clothes.
We think this is supposed to be a Snooki wig, but we have a better idea. Grab those tattoo sleeves, some black eyeliner and go as undead Amy Winehouse.