It's that time of year when you realize all that awesome stuff in your closet is decidedly less awesome because All the Big Designers Said So. Now, go and throw out absolutely everything you own --keep something to go shopping in, but then toss it--it's time to shop, people. Think your clothes still look good? You're wrong, and we are about to tell you exactly what you need to buy so you can go out in public without being humiliated by your unfashionable pre-2012/2013 wardrobe.
We mean it--get rid of all of it. Toss out your pants, shirts, shoes, dresses, bags, coats, scarves, umbrellas, coats, and anything else--because it's all ugly and old-fashioned. You want to wear those jeans you bought last year to the store? Don't be surprised if someone mistakes them for part of a Halloween costume.
And just in case you think your [fill-in-the-blank] is still the right shape and fit? Unfortunately it's the wrong color. BEGONE.
You Are Wearing the Wrong Fabric
Last year there were a lot of big trends in denim--jeggings, boyfriend jeans, denim skirts, and high-waisted denim pants were ubiquitous. But your dungarees are no longer fashionable, and you now have to replace them with a less comfortable, more expensive fabric: leather. But really, isn't it worth it? Because let's face it--nothing is more comfortable, more forgiving, or more flattering than a fabric that does not breathe, and tends to hug every curve and ripple on your body.
Oh, and in case you think you can squeeze another season out of your jeans--since technically jeans have been in style since the day they were invented--we're sorry, you cannot. Because the only denim trend that matters is the stone-washed, elastic-cuffed mom jean that they are now calling the "sportif" jeans. Yeah--super hot.
You Are Wearing the Wrong Shoes
Your chunky heels are out, buy stilettos! Stilettos are a product of a misogynist conspiracy to make your boobs and butt stick out! This focus, this obsession, on the female foot is just another way men are trying to control your height, your look, your very lives!
But wait, flats are out, too. Flats scream "utilitarian" and there is nothing sexy about utility. Okay, so no flats, no stilettos. How about wedge platforms?
No! Wedge platforms are so summer 2010! Instead try a chunky heel. Except chunky heels are going to prompt Brenda Walsh references when you walk down the street.
Solution: Vibrams. Or go barefoot.
Your Hemlines Are All Wrong
Here is another great way to wear that old, faded denim we thought we saw the last of back in the '90s, only this time in long, button-down skirts that have a really cool, hip Mennonite vibe. FINALLY!
Now, let's look at hemlines. Long is in! Short is in! Asymmetric--you guessed it--is in! So err on the side of caution, throw out every dress and skirt you own, and buy new ones. Just to be safe, replace the long ones with short ones, and the short ones with long ones--that should cover all the bases.
You Are Wearing the Wrong Makeup
The big combo this year is nude & burgundy, and in unexpected combinations: a strong burgundy eye and a corpse-nude lip ... perfect for the office, AMIRITE? Red fingernails and nude toes are slightly more do-able, and slightly less scary looking. How are this year's nudes different than last year's nudes? Mostly the new shades that you have to pay for all over again, but it's worth it if you want to be on-trend. What if someone sees you using a lipstick you used last year this year? It would be incredibly embarrassing to be caught sporting a year-old nude lip, rather than the most current nude lip possible.
To summarize--wear what you have, or go buy a whole new wardrobe. Because they're just going to tell us we're doing it wrong all over again in a few months.