Feeling Rejected? Try Some Diversionary Activities That Don't Involve Murder

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It's been four days now since 22-year old Elliot Rodger murdered six people in Santa Barbara, CA. The deep dive into Rodger's background and motivations began within hours, but most people seem to agree that Rodger ... murdered six people in Santa Barbara, CA.

That's not entirely accurate. I think plenty of us who've watched his YouTube videos (which I did, with the sound off) or read his manifesto (which I didn't, because Voice Media couldn't pay me enough), can find common ground in a few conclusions: he was a racist:

"Full Asian men are disgustingly ugly and white girls would never go for you"

A spoiled brat:

"Joining a family of great wealth would have truly saved my life. I would have a high enough status to attract beautiful girlfriends, and live above all of my enemies. All of my horrific troubles would have been eased instantly. It is very selfish of my mother to not consider this."

An idiot:

"With my whole body filled with feverish hope, I spent $700 dollars on lottery tickets for this drawing. As I spent this money, I imagined all the amazing sex I would have with a beautiful model girlfriend I would have once I become a man of wealth"

And finally, a virulent misogynist whose rage at being denied sex with women he felt were somehow owed him for being, as he put it, a "supreme gentleman."

Are you feeling: Alienated? Undersexed? Disappointed that the life you're living isn't the life you deserve? Well, don't murder anybody until you've tried these time-tested strategies.

Rodger was, like his brave pals on the now-deleted PUAHate website (PUA = "pickup artist"), was a self-described "incel." I had to look up the term, even knowing my faith in mankind would further wither into nothingness as I did so. Sure enough, it stands for "involuntarily celibate," the self-pitying mantel assumed by so-called "men" left high and dry by cruel and unfeeling women who labor under a weird belief that they have a say in who they copulate with.

By the way, I just made up this joke:
Q: What's another word for "voluntarily celibate?
A: Married!

Anyway, I wasn't quite the dateless wonder Elliot Rodger was, but like most people, I had my dry spells. And yet — possibly because I never developed a belief that I was entitled to female attention — murder never crossed my mind. For any lonely "incels" out there, please consider the following before picking up a weapon and venting your frustration over feelings 90 percent of the world experience.

Read A Book Sometimes it's a good idea a take a breather from spewing anonymous violent misogyny on message boards and curl up with a good book. For anybody in the "men's rights" crowd, I can recommend a few titles that might help put their own heroic struggle in perspective:

- The Diary of Anne Frank - Trail of Tears: The Rise and Fall of the Cherokee Nation - Do Penance or Perish: Magdalen Asylums in Ireland - Surviving in Biafra: The Story of the Nigerian Civil War - Hop on Pop

Each of these describe circumstances somewhat more trying than growing up a virgin in the United States.

Masturbate Kids these days. With the terabytes of pornography and Serena Williams YouTube highlights literally at their fingertips, you'd think fellas who were "feeling a little anxious" would have ample opportunities for stress release. If I ever build that time machine, the first thing I'm doing is sending all of these whiny twerps back to 1981, when the best options available were the underwear section of the Sears catalog and Charlie's Angels.

I'd do that even before killing Hitler.

Speak To A Human Woman. Preferably As If She Were Another Human Being Among all of the material Rodger left behind, there's nothing to indicate he ever attempted to actually talk to girls. A bizarre sense of entitlement was a huge part of Rodger's sickness; the belief that simply driving a cool car and occasionally posting "do you even lift" on bodybuilding forums meant hot babes would be knocking down his door. I haven't "dated" since the (first) Clinton Administration, but I'm pretty sure it still starts with speaking to a member of the opposite sex.

Or dick pics. Do you send the dick pics first, these days?

Granted, Rodger came across like a creepy bastard, and it's possible he still would've been unsuccessful, but his not even trying leads me to believe he valued his victimhood complex more than possible relationships.

Moving on...

Listen To Some Chill Tunes Music, as William Congreve once said, hath charms etc etc. When I'm stressed out or angry at the world - which only happens every 45 minutes or so — I find listening to music helps immensely. I wouldn't have recommended most of my personal choices for sonic relief (Slayer, the Spice Girls, the Banana Splits) to someone like Rodger, but there is one number I think would've helped his troubled self immensely:

Because really ...

Kill Yourself Elliot Rodger put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger after shooting and stabbing six other human beings, a pattern often seen in similar incidents. My question is this: if the inevitable outcome of these spree murders is the killer's suicide, why don't they just skip over the whole "murder" aspect and get to the good part?

Then again, if every pampered, self-pitying idiot in this country committed suicide, Bravo wouldn't have any TV shows.

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