By just about any academic measure, 2016 was a dumpster fire. From the deaths of beloved celebrities to a historically brutal presidential election, it’s hard to recall a time when we so collectively looked forward to a new year.
Of course, 2017 will also usher in the Trump administration. Could the next year actually be worse? If so, what upcoming movies are most likely to help distract us from the horror of our impending doom?
Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (January 27)
The first of these movies was released during the first George W. Bush administration. What better way to close the narrative circle while also preparing us for the coming dystopia?
John Wick: Chapter 2 (February 10)
The sequel to 2014’s surprise hit, and details are scarce. Hope we finally get to see him kill someone with a [EXPLETIVE DELETED] pencil.
The Great Wall (February 17)
Jason Bourne helps defend medieval China from monsters. Of larger interest is how cozy Hollywood’s relationship with China remains after the Taiwan Telephoner occupies the Oval Office.
Logan (March 3)
Hugh Jackman hangs up the adamantium claws in R-rated style. You know it’s going to be good because they played Johnny Cash during the trailer. That’s science.
T2: Trainspotting (March 3)
Obi-Wan Kenobi and Sherlock Holmes reunite to rid the world of ceiling babies (maybe). More important, how will America’s meth-addicted audiences relate to former heroin junkies?
Kong: Skull Island (March 10)
It’d be nice if they switched things up and made Tom Hiddleston the gorilla’s love interest in this one.
The Fate of the Furious (April 14)
Don’t take it personally, but if the reward for betraying my friends was getting to sleep with Charlize Theron, y’all would’ve been in Supermax yesterday. Also, how is this not The F8 of the Furious? It’s right there!
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (May 5)
The first of three MCU releases in 2017 finds Star-Lord, Gamora and the gang once again capering about to a 1970s soundtrack. Oh, and Groot is small.
Alien: Covenant (May 19)
While the first two Alien movies are among the all-time greatest in their respective genres, it’s still puzzling that we keep believing Ridley Scott is somehow going to recapture the magic.
Baywatch (May 26)
I long for the day when movies about attractive, scantily clad men and women aren’t relegated to one of the biggest movie weekends of the year.
Wonder Woman (June 2)
It’s unfair that Patty Jenkins and Gal Gadot have to shoulder the burden of expectations for the one DC Extended Universe movie everyone thinks has a chance of actually being good. A thought: Maybe next time don’t put Zack “Sucker Punch” Snyder in charge of your flagship franchise.
The Mummy (June 9)
Universal kicks off its “Dark Universe” franchise with…54-year-old Tom Cruise. The good news: His streak of movies showcasing his running talent looks to remain unbroken.
Transformers: The Last Knight (June 23)
Oscar/BAFTA/Emmy-winning thespian Anthony Hopkins teams up with Marky Mark to fight giant robots. Those Malibu homes ain’t cheap, are they, Sir Anthony?
Spider-Man: Homecoming (July 7)
Come for the third reboot of the character since 2002, stay for the uncomfortably attractive Aunt May.
War for the Planet of the Apes (July 14)
Damn, dirty apes battle the forces of humanity, led by Woody Harrelson. If only there were a way to get some giant robots in there.
Dunkirk (July 21)
?What the…a historical epic about adult subject matter? Take it to awards season.
The Dark Tower (July 28)
It took Stephen King more than 20 years to complete this series and I’m still not sure what the hell was going on.
IT (September 8)
Another King adaptation. How well will this really be received now that clowns are embraced and beloved by all mankind?
Blade Runner 2049 (October 16)
The events of the original took place in 2019, when we’re apparently supposed to have off-world colonies, androids and flying cars. I’m sure our government is up to the challenge.
God Particle (October 27)
A.k.a. the third Cloverfield movie. Congratulations to Hollywood on its successful decades-long campaign to make America terrified of space travel.
Thor: Ragnarok (November 3)
The Thunder God’s films have been the weakest in the MCU. We’re holding out hope for this one, though, since it’s directed by Taika Waititi, of What We Do in the Shadows and Hunt for the Wilderpeople fame.
Justice League (November 17)
In which we see if Warner Bros. solves the lackluster response to the previous Superman movies by adding more pectorals. Help us, Jason Momoa — you’re our only hope.
Star Wars: Episode VIII (December 15)
The Force Awakens pulled in almost $250 million on its opening weekend on the way to a $2 billion worldwide gross. No pressure, Rian Johnson.
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