Pop Rocks

Finally, A Medical Rationale For Celebrity Anti-Semitism

Time was, a celebrity with negative opinions about "ze Jews" could opine about the threat they posed to Western culture until he/she was blue in the face, and many did (Henry Ford and Charles Lindbergh, to name a couple). Then World War II and the Holocaust happened, and (publicly) vilifying the Jewish people fell out of fashion.

But while their ranks have thinned, the rich and famous and Jew-hating are still around. We know because every so often one of them slips up and is forced to issue a hasty apology to keep from hurting sales for their new film (Oliver Stone) or magazine spread (...uh, Bombshell McGee...give me a break, they can't all be A-listers).

And now, a strange new affliction is ravaging celebrity ranks. Who knew that, in addition to other known deleterious effects, such as impaired judgment (David Hasselhof), aggressiveness (Ben Roethlisberger), and slowed motor function (David Hasselhof), alcohol also has the ability to transform otherwise upstanding pillars of the celebrity community into anti-Semitic assholes? I've taken to calling this new outbreak "Lou Gehrig's dis...", what's that? Okay fine, then let's call it "Gin and Jews," and it's already claimed several high profile victims.


The first to be stricken was Lethal Weapon/Mad Max actor Mel Gibson:

Nierob refused to comment on reports that after Gibson was stopped for driving at 87mph in a 45mph zone on the notoriously dangerous road he sat at the wheel of his Lexus LS 430 and repeatedly said: "My life is f*****."

According to police records, Gibson, a strict Catholic, then launched into an anti-Semitic tirade, referring to "f****** Jews" and stating that "the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world". He also repeatedly insulted the police officers, addressing one female sergeant as "sugar tits". [...] Police have confirmed the actor and director was found to have a blood- alcohol level of 0.12%, above the 0.08% Californian limit.

What could possibly have led a man who's navigated the Jew-friendly confines of Hollywood for almost 40 years to make such uncharacteristic remarks? Not, as some have surmised, his upbringing at the hands of a strict fundamentalist Catholic, for his was obviously a classic case of G&J.

Then, just last week, top Christian Dior designer John Galliano fell victim to the horrible malady:

Fashion guru John Galliano was filmed having a vile racist rant during which he declared: "I love Hitler."

The British designer - an alleged Jew hater - then tells a horrified woman: "People like you would be dead. Your mothers, your forefathers, would all be f****** gassed."

His tirade was videoed by a friend of the people he was insulting - who were French and Italian, but not Jewish.

Galliano, 50, was at the same Paris bar where he allegedly launched a vicious verbal attack on two people last week - which led to him being arrested and suspended by fashion label Christian Dior. [...] Last Thursday Galliano allegedly insulted Geraldine Bloch, 35, and threatened to kill her pal Philippe Virgitti, 41, in La Perle Bar. Ms Bloch told cops he called her a "dirty Jew face".

Ha ha, "Dirty Jew face." It's so funny when non-English speakers try to be racist in our language. Here, let fellow sufferer Charlie Sheen help you out:

Brooke Mueller claims Charlie Sheen recently sent her a scathing, anti-Semitic text about his manager, saying "I must execute mark b [Mark Burg] like the stoopid jew pig that he is."

Charlie tells TMZ he did not send the text, saying, "I busted Brooke a year ago sending text messages from my phone to family members to cause discord. Both Natalie and Rachel (aka, the goddesses) will testify they observed Brooke with my phone on that day." Charlie adds, "I have to believe the text about Mark Burg is a repeat performance."

Mark Burg tells TMZ, "Charlie Sheen's ex-publicist, Stan Rosenfield, is Jewish. Charlie Sheen's entertainment attorney, Jake Bloom, is Jewish. Charlie Sheen's litigation attorney, Marty Singer, is Jewish. Charlie Sheen's divorce attorney, Mark Gross, is Jewish. I've known him for 13 years. I don't believe that he actually sent that text."

What a coincidence, you're saying, because some of my best friends employees are Jewish, too. Could I be susceptible to this horrible affliction as well?

Sad to say...yes. Apparently the malady is as indiscriminate as it is devastating. Scientists are baffled, because they know -- from a diagnostic sense -- that alcohol in NO WAY brings out a person's true feelings or amplifies that which is in their subconscious, but instead brings about a re-engineering of one's neural pathways, causing one to see vast, Jewish conspiracies.

Luckily, there is a cure: rehab. Gibson has already come through his stint, and Galliano is going in soon (Sheen's bed has been waiting since 1998). Once they put in their perfunctory six weeks at Trembling Hills or the like, any celebrity will return to the pleasant, welcoming mindset that is the hallmark of all who are richer and, therefore, better than normal people.

KEEP THE HOUSTON PRESS FREE... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Peter Vonder Haar writes movie reviews for the Houston Press and the occasional book. The first three novels in the "Clarke & Clarke Mysteries" - Lucky Town, Point Blank, and Empty Sky - are out now.
Contact: Pete Vonder Haar